Team Skank – www.officesleuth.com

Are You Done? Now Change!

JP, what a fucking character!

OK, I guess you can tell that I’m having one hell of day so far. Did you ever work for someone who you’ll swear just makes you change the way you do things to make your life a living hell?

If this rings a bell then you know JP.

We have a lot of monthly reports and analyses that we put together. After much fanfare and discussions between myself and JP and my team, we’ve gotten the monthly analysis down to a science. So this morning I’m sitting with JP reviewing the monthly processes and he gets that look. That fucking confused, stupid look on his face and I just know that my life is going to get a lot harder for absolutely no reason.

“What if we…”

That’s the way it always starts. We get a process perfected, we are able to get things done timely and accurately and then I get the fucking WHAT IF WE…

This happens at least every 5 or 6 months, it’s almost like JP sits up at night thinking, they’re way too efficient and they’re not working ridiculous amounts of overtime so how can I change everything they do from an automated process to be the most manual method that can possibly be done?

Here’s the thing, this has gone on for years. It’s always the same thing. He gets a fucking bug up his ass to shake things up but then next month we’ll take twice as long to get things done and he LOVES his data. So he’ll start to get (what I call) data withdrawal and after he sees how long his brilliant new methods actually take he makes us go back to the old method the following month.

(If I had to guess, The Gestapo demands information that JP doesn’t have yet so JP has to scramble and he doesn’t want to have to scramble the following month so he makes us go back to the original (perfected) procedures. (Until about 5 or 6 months later when he must get an idea and then he totally forgets what he went through with The Gestapo a half a year ago.)

After the big meeting I’m the one that has to spread the good word to the rest of my team. They know it will eventually happen but they still freak out when it does. (Imagine being able to put in a date and push one button to run a report but now, since you work for JP and that fucking bug crawled up his ass, he makes the process so antiquated that it would be like writing out a huge report by hand, in comparison)

JP is a data freak, he loves data so he asks us to provide ridiculous amounts of details (so much that he’ll never have enough time to go through it all even if he closed his office door, opened a cot and spend the entire week living at The Company.)

He’s like a hoarder, a data hoarder.

So I tell the group JP’s new plan.

“THAT FUCK!” screams Skank Sister # 2.

Now here’s the thing (and I’d never admit this to JP) but the Skank Sister # 2 works for me but her sister works for The Gestapo, so when she is really pissed it’s easy to convince her to mention things in the vicinity of The Gestapo (if not outright telling him.) Remember Skank Sister # 2 always rats on the lower man on the totem pole. (So she’d rat anyone in my department out to me, she’d rat me out to JP, and she’d definitely rat JP out to The Gestapo.)

So my plan was the next time JP got the data bug to casually “suggest” to Skanky # 2 to tell The Gestapo (you have to make her think it was her idea or she won’t do it, at least not willingly.) So by firing the group up and mentioning that I hoped The Gestapo doesn’t think it’s us causing the hold up next month, I think I planted the seed.

I hope she mentions it to him before next month’s reports are due. If The Gestapo reminds JP not to be late then JP will rescind the new details before we actually have to do them.

It’s not like I don’t want to do my job, but doing busywork just to make sure we’re busy isn’t productive, it’s a bullshit waste of time if you ask me.

The lesson learned: Data Hoarding is not cool.

The Wrath of Karma

Did you ever know a secretary who thinks she wields the same power as the executive she is a secretary for?

If you answered yes then you know Skank Sister #1.

I think part of her pushy aggressive tactics come from the idea that she works for an aggressive executive, we’ll call him The Gestapo, and because she works for this tyrant she feels entitled to behave like a tyrant.

The saddest thing about this behavior is that the average rank and file employees allow themselves to be victimized by her as if she was part of The Gestapo. Now I’m not saying it is right for The Gestapo to act this way, but I know I’m sure as hell not taking shit from a freaking secretary. Gestapo or no Gestapo.

I’m not the only one who feels this way. Personally, I don’t go out of my way to “avenge” my dignity when she tries to pull some shit and drop The Gestapo’s name into a conversation (not a conversation as much as she wants or needs something from you, but instead of just asking like normal person she tries to act like she is a boss… and she is not… this she will soon find out) but there are a lot of people here at The Company that take great pleasure in doing just that – making her look and feel stupid.

Willard, all of people, has absolutely no love for the Skank Sisters but Skank Sister #1 he’s particular hostile towards, especially when she tries to act like the company CEO and tries to tell him what to do.

Willard is our mailroom attendant, plus he’ll do miscellaneous administrative duties around the building. Those duties he will have to work with other administrative staff, like Skank Sister # 1. So there might be some times where she will have to give him direction on what needs to be done (But only on those administrative tasks.)

Let me just say this: NO ONE FUCKS WITH WILLARD’S MAILROOM. (Period.)

So, you might see where someone like Skank Sister # 1 might blur the lines and let the administrative task bleed into his mailroom responsibilities. She is the very definition of give her an inch and she’ll try to take a mile.

So this particular day, she pops into the mailroom and hands Willard a huge stack of mail that “HAS TO” get processed immediately because it’s “important mail” for, you guessed it, The Gestapo.

Now the other thing I need to mention about Willard is that he is very methodical, he has a routine and has to follow it. There are those in The Company for which he will break his routine, obviously, The Gestapo is one of those people. So when he grabbed to stack of mail from Skank Sister # 1 he happen to notice that this was all personal mail for the Skank Sister. By personal I don’t mean her Visa and Cable bills but the normal mail she processes only a weekly basis.

What probably happened was she was late completing her mail for the week and didn’t want to hear about being late from The Gestapo (because he doesn’t do late – unless he’s the one who is late) so she fabricated a story about the mail being a special “rush” job for The Gestapo.

Messing with the order he performs his mail duties creates a beast in Willard. So he goes “NO, this is your shit, I’ll do it when I can.”

So, she does exactly what any devious fucking Skank Sister would do, she went and told The Gestapo that Willard has basically made her late. (I could seriously picture her gloating as she devised that little plan.)

The Gestapo doesn’t do late and if someone is making his secretary late then that person must get scolded, immediately.

“Do (my Skank Secretary’s) mail immediately or you’re fucking fired!” – The Gestapo has spoken.

I think Willard expected that and that didn’t get him too upset but then about 20 minutes later good ‘ol Skank Sister # 1 came by smiling and said:

“Hey Toots, got my mail?”

Her goofy, gloating face really pissed Willard off. All he could think was those 3 little words – Payback’s a Bitch!

Now let me mention one thing about the Skank Sister’s desk, she works from her desk all the time, she eats at her desk all the time and reads a lot of magazines and books at her desk all the time (Nowhere to run when you’re on call for The Gestapo.)

Needless to say her desk is cluttered. (Not dirty but unorganized.)

So a few days later (maybe later on the following week) Skank # 1 comes over to Willard and in anxiously asks if he has seen a Fed Ex envelope for The Gestapo, he has a very serious legal issue (a personal matter – I tell you about another time.)

Willard did indeed have that envelope but he was still so freakin’ pissed that he goes (real sincerely): “No I’ll bring it right over once it arrives.”

With that she storms out of the mailroom.

She stopped by around lunch and asked again, in a real panic this time whether he received the envelope.

“No, told you I’ll bring it right over when I get it.”

OK, to make a long story short Willard gets a call from The Gestapo telling him to stop by his office.

“Willard, are you sure you haven’t seen a Fed Ex package today? (My Skanky Secretary confirmed that they delivered it and YOU signed for it” – pointing intensely at Willard then he nodded to his Skanky Secretary as if to confirm the confirmation.

Willard felt a surge of happiness when he looked directly at The Gestapo, “Of course I received it. I told your Skanky Secretary that I’d bring it over as soon as it arrived. I placed it right on her desk hours ago.”

With that the three of them went over to her desk and shuffled a few books and magazines around and there right under her lunch plate (which consisted of organic hummus and carrot sticks) was the Fed Ex envelope.

The Gestapo gave his Skanky Secretary a stare as if looks could kill because Willard knew that if there is one thing worse than being late, The Gestapo HATES clutter and messiness and Skank Sister # 1 would definitely hear about this. For a long time!

A little later Willard walked back by his favorite Skanky Secretary while she was in the mist of de-cluttering her work-space.

He walked by and smiled and said with a wink.

“Did you get your mail, Toots?”

Skank Junior

Skank sister #2 is a dumpier, shorter version of her younger, taller, louder annoying sister.

The reason I say this is so you can visualize the differences here.

Now why is it important to visualize the physical appearance of these two “lovely” siblings?

Simply because they seem to act like their size. What I mean by this is that the taller skank-a-rooni that is in better physical condition is the more overtly annoying and aggressive one of the duo, whereas # 2, is a more meek and mild-mannered kiss-ass that has been known to back-stab the best of them.

This is usually how this plays out.

She will “befriend” whoever is the most senior person in the room. Now when I say senior I’m talking titles and power within The Company, not whose wearing Depends and getting discounts at IHOP on Tuesday Mornings.

So here how it the back-stabbing works. In an effort to either seem important or to gain leverage on other people, she will cozy-up to whoever’s “in charge” at that moment. So if she reported to you and there were 4 other people who reported to you in the office she would act like she was your best friend, your best employee (doing tasks with complaint) but most importantly she would become your little office spy. She would nonchalantly call out shortcomings and any insider information that she had on the other 4 people who reported to you.

Now this does a few things, it gives you an employee who you can count on (always performing required tasks without question), an employee who would give you the dirt on others (so you have a pair of eyes everywhere) and I mean everywhere she gets the dirt on everyone, and lastly (and most importantly for her skanky tactics) you have an employee that you can trust… Well, you THINK you can trust…

What you don’t realize is that all of these tactics that are used to get you the dirt on your reports is also being used AGAINST you to get dirt on you so she’ll have ammunition when she needs it to cozy-up to your boss and their boss…

There was a time she was quite cozy with The Gestapo, but think he was smart enough to use her for the info and then kick her back down to the curb. (That’s a funny story, for another day.)

So overtly Skank # 1 is more annoying, especially when you are hung over or had a long day (or night) and just want to get your freakin’ work done without a bunch of drama (Drama is where she excels). Whereas, Skanky #2 is more covert in her tactics and until you are aware of her game you could do considerable damage to your career (probably your life) if she get enough dirt.

I think because of her shorter stature and being less physically conditioned that she created these methods to gain the upper-hand or intimidate other employees. (Since physically this would be difficult.) Once you know she is going to lunch with The Gestapo you might think twice about blasting her on a review or something.

Ok so why did I mention any of this?

Well first thing this morning, about 8:11am, before most inhabitants of The Company arrived, Skank # 2 waddled into my office and goes, “Remind me to tell you this crazy thing about the new girl – Norma Jean” then she scurried off to tell others.

Pretty new girl, new juicy gossip by a dumpy, jealous Skank Sister… Here we go again…

Day one – It all begins here.

WTF…

Ok, the skinny, unkept half of the skank sisters was at it again. Today of all days, hungover after a night of bourbon, beer and slow dancing, I did not feel like hearing it.

“You used all my fucking tissues you asshole”, screeched skank sister # 1.

The skank sisters are the dynamic duo of gossip and misery at the office. Skank sister # 1 is the tall lanky, bitchy one. She’s the one who will scream at you first thing in the morning about using her last tissue.

Skank # 2 is the more short and dumpy one of the duo. She not much of an “in your face” type of bitch but more of a gossip spreading, back stabbing fucker who will get you fired in a heartbeat, then laugh, that cigarette induced husky laugh, as she tells the story to her little lunch room clique.

“WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT”, I barked back with a slightly annoyed yet inquisitive look on my face.
The truth of the matter is that I did use her last tissues. So what? If you cared so much about your tissues then don’t leave the box on top of your fucking desk!!!

7:52 on a Friday morning, I’m as hung over as sailor the morning following a day’s leave in Tijuana and I STILL haven’t had any coffee!

“Leave my office before a shove a box a tissues straight up your skinny, little ass!”

She huffed and puffed, gave me the stink eye and FINALLY turned around and left my office.
I could tell already, the tissue crisis was NOT over.

Ok, so it all begins here. Almost 8:00 am, I’ve ALREADY had a skank sister in my office and I’m hungover as a bastard.
Just another day at the office…