Tag: Team Sally

Ethyl Hates

Let me know if you know this person.

The buxom, vixen Ethyl loves every guy that works at The Company, she loves every guy that works with every guy that works at The Company. When she tells of the adventures of the past weekend she tells the tales of leaving her husband home to watch the kids as she meets up with her cousin and her cousin’s firefighter husband (not to mention the rest of the firehouse).

I’m not judging. Hey, if her husband doesn’t care about a couple of firefighters carrying her drunk ass home from the nearby firefighter hangout then who I am to judge?

Actually, I love hearing these stories. For one thing Ethyl has a ridiculously high opinion of herself. Anywhere she goes, no matter who it is, any guy that talks to her (And I mean the slightest chit-chat) she thinks he’s love with her. Again, who am I to judge? (Actually, I think it’s hilarious that she admits half of the shit she does.)

But here’s the funny part. At work she swoons over every guy in the building. The geeks, the freaks, the senior managers and the janitors. AS LONG AS THEY ARE MEN!

Ethyl hates women!

Now, I don’t know if this is an insecurity-thing or a competition-thing, but every new women they hire at The Company she fucking hates! For absolutely no reason I can assure you.

This is why I thought the whole Big-Ass blowout was so funny. I knew it was just a matter of time before Ethyl (with a new FEMALE manager) would cause a huge issue and create tension leading to a UFC cage fight (or catfight) in that department. It just happened a lot faster than I anticipated.

It turns out that there is sometime wrong with any female in Ethyl’s eyes.

A funny story comes to mind. Singing Sally can sing (she actually can sing) but when she sings all day instead of doing work it gets really annoying. Come to think of it, I need to hook Singing Sally and Mr. ? up together, then they can do a whole lot of nothing… together!

Anyway, besides singing, Sally also spends about half the day talking to people. If you see her by the water cooler and ask her how her weekend was she will literally spend a half an hour explaining every detail from her weekend with you. She is very nice but you have to cut her off or you’ll be trapped all day listening to her bullshit.

So one morning she comes in, and I guess that the night before was her birthday, so her husband took her out and they had a romantic dinner and went for a romantic walk and had a great time. I got out after about 12 minutes of hearing about the night. (You literally have to make up an important meeting or something or else she’ll talk all day.)

Sally (being The Company’s social butterfly) is super happy about her birthday and probably spends the entire morning telling everyone about her great night. This included Ethyl.

So Ethyl walks into my office and slammed the door closed. (Believe me I’m not sure what I did to become the company shrink but everyone is compelled to tell me all of their shit.)

“That Fucking Bitch!”

“Which fucking bitch?” I ask (because Ethyl hates every female she meets, and I mean every one of them.)

“Sally is a fucking bitch… Can I just tell you…”

(Let me stop right here, when she asked “can I just tell you” she’s not really asking. No matter what you say she will tell you, but at least it’s usually some juicy gossip or an interesting story or some fucked up thought that, I can’t believe, actually goes through her mind)

“…I have been fighting with my husband all week and she has to come in and rub my nose in her ‘Great Birthday Night’” (read that very sarcastically).

“Did she know that you were fighting with your husband” I don’t know why even continue with this waste of time, but I love meaningless gossip. Especially the kind that you just can’t make up.

To make a long story short, Ethyl fucking hates Singing Sally because she probably asked Sally how her night was and Sally being Sally (she has a bad case of diarrhea of the mouth, you know) was happy to tell her (every fucking detail.) So by telling her about her “great” night last night while (unbeknownst to Sally) Ethyl has been fighting with her husband and now Sally is on Ethyl’s shit list. (But to be fair, every women that Ethyl knows is on that list.)

I don’t know girls, is this normal? Maybe I’m the one that needs my head examined.

I’ll say it again, you just can’t make this shit up!

Singing Sally

“My heart will go on….”

Oh no, 7:48 am and the siren wails.

Singing Sally is on my floor.

We have this women I like to call singing Sally, she is one of the old timers here at the Company. I’ve never seen her actually doing any kind of work, ever! I’ve asked a bunch of people exactly what she does (or what she is supposed to do) and not one person has a clue.

I can’t tell you what she is supposed to do but I can tell you what she does do.

She sings!

She literally roams the halls singing. She’ll sing whatever is on the radio, she just sing whatever pops into her head if no radio is in the immediate vicinity, she’ll even FREAKIN’ HUM tunes while you’re having a conversation with her.

Now, in her defense she does perform with local theatre companies putting on musicals and I was dragged to one them and will admit she is good and that type of thing BUT the office has no room for the Freakin’ Phantom of the Opera!

Ok, so the singing gets louder as she approaches my office, at 7:48 there aren’t a lot of denizens in the building (42 minutes prior to the designated start time). She must see my light is on and is drawn to it light a fly is drawn to one of those bug zappers. I guess any inspiring Broadway diva heads toward the lights…

So she spins around my door frame, leg first, picture a 70 year old stripper straddling a stripper pole. Singing that dastardly song from Titanic. I guess she feels it’s her job to serenade people first thing in the morning, but what she doesn’t realize is that the 70 year old stripper straddle makes most people throw up in their mouths.

“Yes Sally, what can I do for you?” I’m trying to eat my breakfast (A salted bagel with plain cream cheese and a large cup of black coffee – in case you were wondering.)

Continuing this vomit inducing serenade she keeps singing, completely ignoring the question. This is nothing new, she’s in her own little world.

She starts waving her finger, pointing at me and then pulling her finger towards herself like she’s calling me over or some other twisted thing she has going on in her mind.

“Not now, I’m eating and then I have to get to work.” Between you and me that work consisted of reading the sport section of the local newspaper for the next 37 minutes but she didn’t need to know that.

She waddled away as she broke into an old Britney Spears tune.

…and then she was gone, and I still have no idea what she does!