My Work Speaks for Itself

Ethyl is a sly, crafty vixen who also does as little work as possible, but she is not as overtly inoperative as Singing Sally. Ethyl would have to be classified as outright deceptive, a master of “looking” busy.

Ethyl needs her fix of socializing throughout the day, she works in an administrative capacity, but like a butterfly, floats about the building and spends time with everyone.

She is an IT groupie, friends with the Crazy One (yes, a story for another day), accounting, sales, operations, you name it. She seems to spend time everywhere except where she is supposed to be.

Ok, a little back story on this little vixen. I used to go lunch with her occasionally, just to have someone to go to lunch with, but she is the type of person that starts out with friendly banter, then by the 4th or 5th time you go out to lunch together (and there could be a bunch of people out to lunch at the same time, as long as she is at least 4 or 5 lunches familiar with them you get the same result) she starts bitching about work, then by 10 or 12 lunches she starts bitching about her home life.

It’s at this point I had to cut her off, leave her to Accounting or the IT Crowd.

Besides bitching non-stop about her husband and kids, she also thought very highly of herself. She was a little plump (and it looks like she is getting plumper over time), she wears about pound and a half of makeup and will brag about anyone whoever said hello to her.

She stopped by office one time, on her rounds to socialize at least 5 times a day with every employee at The Company and told me she took her kick to a doctor and he asked her out on a date. The sad thing is that she was FUCKING glowing because a 65 year old, horny doctor asked her out. I don’t know if she went or not (personally I don’t care) but the mere fact that she spreads this type of news like wildfire really makes me shake my head. (This wasn’t an isolated incident – She would brag about someone commenting on her glasses or some drunk dude offering to buy her a drink – all the while the husband is home with kids – DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL IS MY MOTTO FOR ETHYL.)

Ok so what did this little diversion have to do with Ethyl’s work here at The Company?

Ok, it’s funny story that happened this afternoon. Ethyl boss was on vacation, so she made her rounds as usual but the interim boss this week (A women affectionately known as Big-Ass, more on this later) started tracking her movements. It turns out that she went MIA (Missing-in-Action) for about an hour and fifteen minutes in the morning, then before Big-Ass could talk to Ethyl about her whereabouts Ethyl went to lunch, so about 15 minutes into Ethyl’s lunch the Big-Ass went to lunch.

Big-Ass returned in an hour, exactly. Still no Ethyl, about 20 minutes later Ethyl Returns!!!

Ok so Big-Ass is compiling a chart of all of the non-work that Ethyl is not doing. She gets the documentation and then goes out to approach and speak with Ethyl.

Guess what, Ethyl is MIA… AGAIN!

After about 45-50 minutes of being MIA, Big-Ass finally tracks her down in the Accounting Department. I think Ethyl has realized that NERDS LIKE CLEAVAGE, so Ethyl knows a low cut blouse will keep the accounting group occupied all day long (She also figured out this works with IT, operations, sales and the manly looking lesbian with have working on the 2nd floor.)

So after about an hour Ethyl strolls back to her desk and starts to work (Which in her case is to look busy.)

So Big-Ass sends her an instant message (which subsequently was made public):

BIG ASS? 5:26 PM ?
Are you having accounting issues? 
You seem to be spending an inordinate amount of time in there today.
ETHYL? 5:38 PM ?
NO, I just walked back there cause I am running Test with … 
(Dreamy looking accountant - ok I made that last part up.) 
I've been at my desk and caught up on what is needed, 
not sure where this is coming from
BIG ASS? 5:42 PM ?
It's just people (including myself) have been looking for you.
This morning for about an hour (11-12) 
I asked around and no one knew where you were.
and now for the past 45 minutes you were MIA.
If you are caught up and need work I can get you things to work on. 
If you're having an issue with accounting and they are testing something 
I doubt you need to actually be in the accounting office the whole time.
Ethyl? 5:43 PM ?
There is no way i was MIA for an entire hour
not sure why I am being singled out here...My work speaks for itself

Ok, so here is facts that we have to go on. Apparently Ethyl is caught up with her work and is baffled by the idea that someone might question the fact that she is MIA for 2 ½ hours during the course of a day because she is caught up. (Personally if that rule applied and we could do whatever we wanted once we were caught up I would’ve went home or grabbed a drink rather than hang out with accounting, looking at stupid Facebook videos on my phone.)

Secondly, “Not sure why I am being singled out” – hmmm, could it be that you’re the only one MISSING IN ACTION for almost THREE HOURS???

Lastly, her “work speaks for itself” – what the hell does that mean?? I actually did the job you’re paying me to do so and no one else on Earth could possibly process work like I do. Totally full of herself – hilarious – you’d think she was a nuclear engineer that just created time travel.

I can’t wait to see what happens tomorrow, stay tuned…

Skank Junior

Skank sister #2 is a dumpier, shorter version of her younger, taller, louder annoying sister.

The reason I say this is so you can visualize the differences here.

Now why is it important to visualize the physical appearance of these two “lovely” siblings?

Simply because they seem to act like their size. What I mean by this is that the taller skank-a-rooni that is in better physical condition is the more overtly annoying and aggressive one of the duo, whereas # 2, is a more meek and mild-mannered kiss-ass that has been known to back-stab the best of them.

This is usually how this plays out.

She will “befriend” whoever is the most senior person in the room. Now when I say senior I’m talking titles and power within The Company, not whose wearing Depends and getting discounts at IHOP on Tuesday Mornings.

So here how it the back-stabbing works. In an effort to either seem important or to gain leverage on other people, she will cozy-up to whoever’s “in charge” at that moment. So if she reported to you and there were 4 other people who reported to you in the office she would act like she was your best friend, your best employee (doing tasks with complaint) but most importantly she would become your little office spy. She would nonchalantly call out shortcomings and any insider information that she had on the other 4 people who reported to you.

Now this does a few things, it gives you an employee who you can count on (always performing required tasks without question), an employee who would give you the dirt on others (so you have a pair of eyes everywhere) and I mean everywhere she gets the dirt on everyone, and lastly (and most importantly for her skanky tactics) you have an employee that you can trust… Well, you THINK you can trust…

What you don’t realize is that all of these tactics that are used to get you the dirt on your reports is also being used AGAINST you to get dirt on you so she’ll have ammunition when she needs it to cozy-up to your boss and their boss…

There was a time she was quite cozy with The Gestapo, but think he was smart enough to use her for the info and then kick her back down to the curb. (That’s a funny story, for another day.)

So overtly Skank # 1 is more annoying, especially when you are hung over or had a long day (or night) and just want to get your freakin’ work done without a bunch of drama (Drama is where she excels). Whereas, Skanky #2 is more covert in her tactics and until you are aware of her game you could do considerable damage to your career (probably your life) if she get enough dirt.

I think because of her shorter stature and being less physically conditioned that she created these methods to gain the upper-hand or intimidate other employees. (Since physically this would be difficult.) Once you know she is going to lunch with The Gestapo you might think twice about blasting her on a review or something.

Ok so why did I mention any of this?

Well first thing this morning, about 8:11am, before most inhabitants of The Company arrived, Skank # 2 waddled into my office and goes, “Remind me to tell you this crazy thing about the new girl – Norma Jean” then she scurried off to tell others.

Pretty new girl, new juicy gossip by a dumpy, jealous Skank Sister… Here we go again…

The Gestapo

Did you ever work for someone who would make your blood pressure rise 50 points just for walking in a room? Now imagine that person is the President and CEO of your otherwise calm and relaxing place of business and you have to privilege of dealing with him on a semi-regular basis.

We have one of them over here at The Company, he is affectionately known (pretty much by the entire staff) as The Gestapo.

One thing I will say to JP’s credit, even though he can a nightmare at times behind closed doors he is nothing compared to the Gestapo. Plus he acts like a buffer between The Gestapo and me (which is one of the reasons I usually look the other way when JP acts like a total douche and still go out to lunch with him or speak to him at all). For all the douchey-ness I take from JP, he takes a million times more directly from The Gestapo.

So you may be thinking, how the hell did The Gestapo get to his position, I mean with everyone on planet Earth hating his fucking guts? Or do they??

Well that answer is tricky.

Contrary to what you might be thinking, The Gestapo does know how to have a good time. If you are a potential new client or a high level new hire for that matter, he can charm the pants off of best of them.

He lives large, VERY large, so if he’s swooning a new customer, money is no object. Anyone in this courting stage will probably think he’s the greatest guy on planet Earth. He has this ability to make people really like him, they genuinely do, until….

The honeymoon ends….

But by then it’s way too late to do anything about it. He’s already got you locked into a contract, or you’ve already quit you’re other job, or any of the million other reasons you have to continue to deal with him.

Did I mention he is smart, REALLY smart!

Besides being one of the smartest people I know he’s also completely arrogant and narcissistic, but not many people wouldn’t be in that role, right? (I doubt I would, I’d feel too much like a phony dick – but money talks…)

He told me one time during a discussion (or an argument, however you want to look at it) that he is NEVER wrong.

The actual conversation went like this:

“I’m never wrong, well I was wrong once and that was a time where I thought I was wrong about something but it turns out I was really right, but since I thought for a minute that I was wrong, I was wrong thinking I was wrong…”

This kind of shit you just can’t make up. Plus it’s very difficult to argue with that logic.

The real difference between JP and The Gestapo is that The Gestapo would have absolutely no qualms about ripping you a new asshole right in the middle of a funeral. He hasn’t a care in the world (I mean he is never wrong) and he really, really enjoys catching people making any kind of mistake.

To his credit he is very smart and it’s almost masterful watching him in action (assuming you’re not on the receiving end.)

He’s especially brutal when it comes to negotiations, it is like a rock concert watching him in action.

He’s rough during negotiations but watch out if one of the other parties (we at The Company know better) tries to lie. He’s like a magician setting up the person. He’ll bait him into elaborating on the lie, he’ll get him to commit to it, misleading on the left side and then…

BAM….

He’ll hit you with a right uppercut (Figuratively not physically), but that’s when the person sees for the first time the true beast that is The Gestapo.

Singing Sally

“My heart will go on….”

Oh no, 7:48 am and the siren wails.

Singing Sally is on my floor.

We have this women I like to call singing Sally, she is one of the old timers here at the Company. I’ve never seen her actually doing any kind of work, ever! I’ve asked a bunch of people exactly what she does (or what she is supposed to do) and not one person has a clue.

I can’t tell you what she is supposed to do but I can tell you what she does do.

She sings!

She literally roams the halls singing. She’ll sing whatever is on the radio, she just sing whatever pops into her head if no radio is in the immediate vicinity, she’ll even FREAKIN’ HUM tunes while you’re having a conversation with her.

Now, in her defense she does perform with local theatre companies putting on musicals and I was dragged to one them and will admit she is good and that type of thing BUT the office has no room for the Freakin’ Phantom of the Opera!

Ok, so the singing gets louder as she approaches my office, at 7:48 there aren’t a lot of denizens in the building (42 minutes prior to the designated start time). She must see my light is on and is drawn to it light a fly is drawn to one of those bug zappers. I guess any inspiring Broadway diva heads toward the lights…

So she spins around my door frame, leg first, picture a 70 year old stripper straddling a stripper pole. Singing that dastardly song from Titanic. I guess she feels it’s her job to serenade people first thing in the morning, but what she doesn’t realize is that the 70 year old stripper straddle makes most people throw up in their mouths.

“Yes Sally, what can I do for you?” I’m trying to eat my breakfast (A salted bagel with plain cream cheese and a large cup of black coffee – in case you were wondering.)

Continuing this vomit inducing serenade she keeps singing, completely ignoring the question. This is nothing new, she’s in her own little world.

She starts waving her finger, pointing at me and then pulling her finger towards herself like she’s calling me over or some other twisted thing she has going on in her mind.

“Not now, I’m eating and then I have to get to work.” Between you and me that work consisted of reading the sport section of the local newspaper for the next 37 minutes but she didn’t need to know that.

She waddled away as she broke into an old Britney Spears tune.

…and then she was gone, and I still have no idea what she does!

Willard

Willard is the doofiest character that works at our great company. Yes I’m being facetious, about the company not doofy Willard. He absolutely LOVES coming to work, performing his duties, albeit very slow, but nevertheless he is the poster child for company morale.

Having said that, his positive attitude creates a huge target on his back for all of the miserable denizens of the company, like the skank sisters.

One other thing I like about Willard is he’s about forty years old, he has no significant other, at least he never told me about one and he tells me everything…. And I mean EVERYTHING!

Oh, what I do like about Willard is his affinity toward video games, primarily vintage video games, but he doesn’t give a shit about how people perceive him, he doesn’t care about having a girlfriend or a wife or having too many friends, but he loves his video games and since I mentioned I liked playing my Playstation 4 one time, ONE TIME, I’m now his fuckin’ office video game buddy.

So I wasn’t surprised that he strolled in my office to tell me about a new vintage video game ROM site that he found. I know, what the hell is a ROM site? Like you I wouldn’t have had a clue but because of my new found friendship with my office video game buddy I now know more then any normal human being should know about what vintage video game ROM sites are.

Now, I don’t mind shooting the shit with Willard, I mean he means well, he’s not a backstabbing douche-back like 3/4 of the people are around here, but he tends to linger. Most of the time this isn’t a major problem but today, hungover and pissed off from my earlier dealings with skank sister #1 plus I have a huge report I have to give to JP before lunch and it’s rounding 11:00 am and have a bit more work to do on this this….

This is where my frustration starts..

“Willard , my friend, I’m meeting with JP for lunch and I have to finish a report so please leave me the FUCK alone!!!”

This is what I’d like to say, but I just don’t have it in me. This guy might actually cry if one of his “friends” told him to go away. So I proceed with caution, like I said he’s not one of the back-stabbing asshats that work here, and there are plenty of those roaming the halls.

So what do I do?

The tactic I take is simple and it always works.

“Madden”, I blurt out.

“What” asked Willard?

“I got 2 elites in one pack last night in Madden, it was fucking epic!!”

See, I know Willard loves vintage video games, he also loves strategy, role-playing and even a good shoot to kill game (as he refers to a first person shooter) from time to time but sports games are Willard’s kryptonite.

Start talking about sports, even real or video game versions and he’ll drop you like a hot potato and that’s exactly what I was counting on.

Instead of continuing the conversation, he goes something like, “Oh shit, JP needs the mail quick I have to get it over there”

And with that he scurried off to do whatever office mailmen do.

Now I really do have to finish this freaking report for JP…

So far today has really giving me a headache. I should’ve fucking banged.

 

Day one – It all begins here.

WTF…

Ok, the skinny, unkept half of the skank sisters was at it again. Today of all days, hungover after a night of bourbon, beer and slow dancing, I did not feel like hearing it.

“You used all my fucking tissues you asshole”, screeched skank sister # 1.

The skank sisters are the dynamic duo of gossip and misery at the office. Skank sister # 1 is the tall lanky, bitchy one. She’s the one who will scream at you first thing in the morning about using her last tissue.

Skank # 2 is the more short and dumpy one of the duo. She not much of an “in your face” type of bitch but more of a gossip spreading, back stabbing fucker who will get you fired in a heartbeat, then laugh, that cigarette induced husky laugh, as she tells the story to her little lunch room clique.

“WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT”, I barked back with a slightly annoyed yet inquisitive look on my face.
The truth of the matter is that I did use her last tissues. So what? If you cared so much about your tissues then don’t leave the box on top of your fucking desk!!!

7:52 on a Friday morning, I’m as hung over as sailor the morning following a day’s leave in Tijuana and I STILL haven’t had any coffee!

“Leave my office before a shove a box a tissues straight up your skinny, little ass!”

She huffed and puffed, gave me the stink eye and FINALLY turned around and left my office.
I could tell already, the tissue crisis was NOT over.

Ok, so it all begins here. Almost 8:00 am, I’ve ALREADY had a skank sister in my office and I’m hungover as a bastard.
Just another day at the office…