JP is part of the senior management team and also I have the privilege of being one of his direct reports.
On the surface JP is a swell guy, calm, mild mannered. The kind of guy that you would go out to lunch with, order a big ass plate of sushi to split with the table and he’d have you pay for the lunch. While this might sound like I’m getting the big screw it’s really a huge benefit to us in two ways.
First, if he charges lunch then his expense report will get reviewed by the Gestapo, and nobody want to be scrutinized by the Gestapo.
Secondly, I love putting expensive “Business Lunches” on my card because I get the points. JP likes me to charge the lunch because he reviews my expense report… The Gestapo doesn’t have to get involved. A win/win.
The one thing I failed to mention about JP, before you start to gush over what a swell guy he sounds like. JP, to the outside world is just that, a swell guy but to those of us who’ve had the privilege of working directly with him – behind closed doors – you get to see the other side of JP.
Most people who report to him think he has a multiple personality disorder but I like to fantasize about him doing too much dope in the 60’s and his brain’s come undone and he was left with what I affectionately call the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome. There is no other explanation that I can come with. You could walk together in the hall and he’ll be the most chipper man you’ve ever seen, albeit a phony scumbag who is dying to get you alone in his office. On the surface all the other minions of the company think he is just dreamy.
Once the door closes, HELLO MR. HYDE…
And now I have to meet with this pain-in–the-ass for lunch to go over the new plans for the budget. My day couldn’t get any worse, I’m serious, drinking a drop of strychnine and spend the next week in the hospital recovering in agony would probably be more pleasurable.
Hung over with skank sister induced rage and now JP.
In keeping appearances, at the sushi restaurant (like in the hallway) he is the sweet lovable JP that everyone (who doesn’t work directly for him knows and loves) but unfortunately he ordered lunch in. We’re eating while we work, in his office.
The only thing worse than dealing with Mr. Hyde while trying to work is dealing with Mr. Hyde while you are TRYING TO EAT while trying to work. I might as well toss my sandwich in the trash because I can guarantee I won’t get to eat three bites of this thing.
I won’t bore you with all the details of my meeting but I will give you the highlights:
- Casually met at his door with great, big hello (so all of the minions nearby can see what a swell guy he actually is)
- Door closes
- He points to my lunch (by now his secretary knows what I eat.)
- Pulls up the budget file.
- I take the first of three bites of my sandwich
- He points to revenue we’ve budgeted for Branch # 2 and says “that won’t fly”
- I say “but that is sales that the branch manager can realistically obtain, it’s over and above his current trend, I don’t think he’s sandbagging the budget”
Oh, JP loves the word sandbagging… I just want to be clear it’s not my word.
- I quickly take the second bite of my sandwich
- He responds, “Well, we’re just going to have to give them something to work for and then he increased their budgeted revenue up by 25%.”
- I take the third and last bite of my sandwich.
- “That isn’t realistic, that is about 30% greater than any month in the past 3 years. This is a recipe to fail.”
- He goes, “Well, I can’t make it easy on them.”
- With that I knew anything that came out my mouth was futile.
In the next move he grabs the rest of my sandwich and puts it into the container that housed his half-eaten salad and tossed them both in the trash.
He goes, “You weren’t going to eat that were you?” He always asks me if I’m going to eat something the second after he throws it away. The only meal he finishes every bite is sushi, it’s the only time I eat lunch with JP that I actually enjoy eating lunch with JP.
“So run along, make those changes and tell those stupid mother fuckers at the branch that they better think of a way to hit those numbers.”
“Yes sir” I said (well maybe not sir but I always feel like I’m getting orders from a drill sgt. when dealing with good, ol’ JP)
So I start to leave his office. This was actually a relatively mild experience to what normally happens. I think he blamed the branch managers for the numbers so I didn’t get the brunt that I normally would.
“Oh, and tell him the stop fucking trying to sandbag the budget. Make sure you tell him that!”
Sometimes, I’d like to drop a sandbag on his fucking head…
I take a deep breath as I leave his office, at least I don’t have to deal too often with the Gestapo then my life would truly be hell.