Category: Office Antics

Office Antics

Introducing Mr. ?

Mr. ? is a favorite talking point around the old water cooler.

He is a man who has, probably, the most seniority but nobody (and I mean NOBODY) has any idea what he does for a living?

People have spoken to his personal friends and family and they also ask “What the hell do he actually do?”

He basically arrives on-time, punches in and then takes a company car out. Then he returns somewhere around a half an hour before quitting time, takes a half hour to pack up his shit and then he proceeds to leave, exactly on-time.

The worse part of it is that his manager also has absolutely no idea what he does. You may think that is strange but the way management changes around The Company with people getting promoted, or making a lateral move to another department or people quitting or retiring. You never seem to have the same manager for more than a few years (3-5 years maximum in most cases.)

So, management is getting younger and younger and Mr. ?’s line of bullshit and name dropping is getting better and better so the rumor is that The Company lost track of exactly what Mr. ? does around 3 managers ago. The fourth manger before the current one had some vague idea about what he does and the fifth and beyond (Mr. ? has been around for MANY, MANY years.) has long moved on from The Company.

Mr. ? is a good bullshitter, I’ll give him that. Here’s what always happens.

A young kid in his mid-to-late twenties becomes manager promising to get to the bottom of exactly what Mr. ? does. He will be the one to lay out a job description and force Mr. ? to comply.

What actually happens when the new manager starts is (let me make a bulleted list for simplicity):

• Mr. ? disappears like 5 minutes after his start time so it will take the new manager weeks (or MONTHS) to actually track him down.

• The first time he tracks Mr. ? down the new manager is given a load of bullshit that I like to call “THE VP NAME DROP HEAD FUCK”

o The sense of urgency of Mr. ? is perceived as very high

o Mr. ? drops some big name and something very important that needs to be done for him/her.

o Mr. ? vanishes again without a trace

• The next time Mr. ? is tracked down (could be a week or a month later) he tries the “THE VP NAME DROP HEAD FUCK” again, but since the new manager checked with the VP the last time Mr. ? pulled this and there was definitely no pressing issue (like the one being reported by Mr. ?) he moves on to stage 2

o He’ll use something that the manager mentioned to someone in the department and act like he’s following orders directly from the manager. (He is really good at listening and knows how to grab a few pieces of information, just enough to make him sound plausible.) He might say “I’m running to grab those papers at the attorney’s office that you told one of the skank sisters to compile and pick-up”

o While you wrap your head around whether or not he’s lying or whether you actually mentioned this to him he bolts out of the door. He always uses some reality with some weird urgency to get out the door while you think about whether you actually said it or not. (He needs that 30 seconds of confusion for this to work.)

o The new manager usually finds themselves completely confused while thinking about whether he was ever told to do what he says he’s doing. Meanwhile Mr. ? leaves. I like to call this scam “THANKS FOR THE CONFUSION”

He has a couple other tricks up his sleeve that he uses. This will go on for years until the manager either moves, quits or gets promoted. The joke around the office is that you “adopt” Mr. ?.

On the plus side he is good to have around if you need an errand run during work hours, go to the store or drop this off at the attorney’s office or go pick up some bagels. (Remind me to tell you a really funny story involving Mr. ? and his latest bagel run – Hilarious!)

I know what you’re thinking – Why not just fire his ass?

Mangers have tried and this is where some of that name dropping and errand running has probably served him well. People who have worked at The Company for a long time have become accustomed to having Mr. ? around. Some of the errands he runs for VP’s are real (I’d say 1/5 of the errands – but if he did something for a VP this week he’ll use it for a “THE VP NAME DROP HEAD FUCK” anytime he’s asked what he’s doing during the entire month.)

His back pocket name drop is, of course, The Gestapo. They’ve worked together for a while and The Gestapo loves having a gopher around to do whatever crap he needs done. (I’m not exactly sure if The Gestapo knows that Mr. ? is nothing more than an errand boy.)

It’s just unfair to the current manager that Mr. ?’s salary is in their budget yet the most productive thing he does for the department is get bagels and coffee.

It’s well known that nobody can fire Mr. ?, unless The Gestapo fires him. Every manager I’ve worked with, that “adopted” Mr. ? and after realizing that they can’t outright fire him, thinks they can turn The Gestapo against Mr. ?.

So far nobody has come close, but since Big-Ass is his new manager and she doesn’t seem to take too much shit from anyone, it will be really interesting to see if she can pull it off.

 

He’s already on her shit list… Stay Tuned.

Bucktooth McGillicutty – My Hero

Bucktooth McGillicutty is one of those funny types of people. Have you ever worked for a company where you have those people who make (or at least are supposed to enforce the “laws” of the company) but then they break them themselves the very next day?

At The Company we have one of those too…

Meet Bucktooth McGillicutty.

Bucktooth McGillicutty is a human resource extraordinaire, he spends most of his time bitching about his personal life and shit like that. Overall, he really is decent guy who really tries to help the employees of The Company.

But Bucky Mack has a few quirks that can drive you up a fucking wall.

First off, he bitches about his personal life constantly, mostly money problems. Yet, he smokes like a fucking chimney, at $8 or $10 a pack (or whatever the hell cigarettes cost these days) the last thing you should do if you have money problems is buy freaking cigarettes!

In a way I feel bad for Mack because he doesn’t make great money but this is probably the most he’s ever going to make. No formal education or anything like that. His prospects for finding another job are extremely limited. With the earning potential non-existent and his well-publicized money problems, Bucktooth McGillicutty is an easy target for people like JP, The Skank Sisters and especially The Gestapo. There are times I really feel for the guy because he is really between a rock and a hard-place quite often.

So being the target of upper management and their Skanky secretaries, he’s often called upon to do the tasks that will make him look like an asshole to pretty much everyone else in The Company (like “remind” people of a very unpopular rule brought down from The Gestapo.) The beauty of Bucktooth McGillicutty is that while he sends out emails and correspondence about these rules he, himself doesn’t seem to give a shit about the rules.

The latest rule that is enforced about once a year is the NO OPEN TOE SANDALS to work rule. Now this is actually a rule I can appreciate (I loved it when The Gestapo initially send out the email. To me there is almost nothing worse than seeing disgusting, decrepit, weirdly angled toes with long disgusting witch toe-nails sticking out of an open toe sandal.)

But the initial email was a few years ago and with new employees and people’s limited memories, every year it’s up to Bucktooth McGillicutty to reinforce the rule.

It’s always unpopular when he sends out the email, but what makes it even worse (at least for people who like crooked, exposed toes) is that the next day good ‘ol Bucktooth McGillicutty will walk the halls of The Company with FUCKING OPEN TOE SANDALS!!!! Which I find HILARIOUS but most people think it’s as bad as getting a freaking pay cut.

Now the greatest thing about Bucktooth McGillicutty is how he handles it when someone makes a comment about his exposed, old-ex-hippy tootsies poking out for the world to see…

He just looks up, smiles and says “Tomorrow don’t be such a pussy and wear the damn sandals” and walks away.

… Bucktooth McGillicutty – My Hero

The Wrath of Karma

Did you ever know a secretary who thinks she wields the same power as the executive she is a secretary for?

If you answered yes then you know Skank Sister #1.

I think part of her pushy aggressive tactics come from the idea that she works for an aggressive executive, we’ll call him The Gestapo, and because she works for this tyrant she feels entitled to behave like a tyrant.

The saddest thing about this behavior is that the average rank and file employees allow themselves to be victimized by her as if she was part of The Gestapo. Now I’m not saying it is right for The Gestapo to act this way, but I know I’m sure as hell not taking shit from a freaking secretary. Gestapo or no Gestapo.

I’m not the only one who feels this way. Personally, I don’t go out of my way to “avenge” my dignity when she tries to pull some shit and drop The Gestapo’s name into a conversation (not a conversation as much as she wants or needs something from you, but instead of just asking like normal person she tries to act like she is a boss… and she is not… this she will soon find out) but there are a lot of people here at The Company that take great pleasure in doing just that – making her look and feel stupid.

Willard, all of people, has absolutely no love for the Skank Sisters but Skank Sister #1 he’s particular hostile towards, especially when she tries to act like the company CEO and tries to tell him what to do.

Willard is our mailroom attendant, plus he’ll do miscellaneous administrative duties around the building. Those duties he will have to work with other administrative staff, like Skank Sister # 1. So there might be some times where she will have to give him direction on what needs to be done (But only on those administrative tasks.)

Let me just say this: NO ONE FUCKS WITH WILLARD’S MAILROOM. (Period.)

So, you might see where someone like Skank Sister # 1 might blur the lines and let the administrative task bleed into his mailroom responsibilities. She is the very definition of give her an inch and she’ll try to take a mile.

So this particular day, she pops into the mailroom and hands Willard a huge stack of mail that “HAS TO” get processed immediately because it’s “important mail” for, you guessed it, The Gestapo.

Now the other thing I need to mention about Willard is that he is very methodical, he has a routine and has to follow it. There are those in The Company for which he will break his routine, obviously, The Gestapo is one of those people. So when he grabbed to stack of mail from Skank Sister # 1 he happen to notice that this was all personal mail for the Skank Sister. By personal I don’t mean her Visa and Cable bills but the normal mail she processes only a weekly basis.

What probably happened was she was late completing her mail for the week and didn’t want to hear about being late from The Gestapo (because he doesn’t do late – unless he’s the one who is late) so she fabricated a story about the mail being a special “rush” job for The Gestapo.

Messing with the order he performs his mail duties creates a beast in Willard. So he goes “NO, this is your shit, I’ll do it when I can.”

So, she does exactly what any devious fucking Skank Sister would do, she went and told The Gestapo that Willard has basically made her late. (I could seriously picture her gloating as she devised that little plan.)

The Gestapo doesn’t do late and if someone is making his secretary late then that person must get scolded, immediately.

“Do (my Skank Secretary’s) mail immediately or you’re fucking fired!” – The Gestapo has spoken.

I think Willard expected that and that didn’t get him too upset but then about 20 minutes later good ‘ol Skank Sister # 1 came by smiling and said:

“Hey Toots, got my mail?”

Her goofy, gloating face really pissed Willard off. All he could think was those 3 little words – Payback’s a Bitch!

Now let me mention one thing about the Skank Sister’s desk, she works from her desk all the time, she eats at her desk all the time and reads a lot of magazines and books at her desk all the time (Nowhere to run when you’re on call for The Gestapo.)

Needless to say her desk is cluttered. (Not dirty but unorganized.)

So a few days later (maybe later on the following week) Skank # 1 comes over to Willard and in anxiously asks if he has seen a Fed Ex envelope for The Gestapo, he has a very serious legal issue (a personal matter – I tell you about another time.)

Willard did indeed have that envelope but he was still so freakin’ pissed that he goes (real sincerely): “No I’ll bring it right over once it arrives.”

With that she storms out of the mailroom.

She stopped by around lunch and asked again, in a real panic this time whether he received the envelope.

“No, told you I’ll bring it right over when I get it.”

OK, to make a long story short Willard gets a call from The Gestapo telling him to stop by his office.

“Willard, are you sure you haven’t seen a Fed Ex package today? (My Skanky Secretary confirmed that they delivered it and YOU signed for it” – pointing intensely at Willard then he nodded to his Skanky Secretary as if to confirm the confirmation.

Willard felt a surge of happiness when he looked directly at The Gestapo, “Of course I received it. I told your Skanky Secretary that I’d bring it over as soon as it arrived. I placed it right on her desk hours ago.”

With that the three of them went over to her desk and shuffled a few books and magazines around and there right under her lunch plate (which consisted of organic hummus and carrot sticks) was the Fed Ex envelope.

The Gestapo gave his Skanky Secretary a stare as if looks could kill because Willard knew that if there is one thing worse than being late, The Gestapo HATES clutter and messiness and Skank Sister # 1 would definitely hear about this. For a long time!

A little later Willard walked back by his favorite Skanky Secretary while she was in the mist of de-cluttering her work-space.

He walked by and smiled and said with a wink.

“Did you get your mail, Toots?”

Skank Junior

Skank sister #2 is a dumpier, shorter version of her younger, taller, louder annoying sister.

The reason I say this is so you can visualize the differences here.

Now why is it important to visualize the physical appearance of these two “lovely” siblings?

Simply because they seem to act like their size. What I mean by this is that the taller skank-a-rooni that is in better physical condition is the more overtly annoying and aggressive one of the duo, whereas # 2, is a more meek and mild-mannered kiss-ass that has been known to back-stab the best of them.

This is usually how this plays out.

She will “befriend” whoever is the most senior person in the room. Now when I say senior I’m talking titles and power within The Company, not whose wearing Depends and getting discounts at IHOP on Tuesday Mornings.

So here how it the back-stabbing works. In an effort to either seem important or to gain leverage on other people, she will cozy-up to whoever’s “in charge” at that moment. So if she reported to you and there were 4 other people who reported to you in the office she would act like she was your best friend, your best employee (doing tasks with complaint) but most importantly she would become your little office spy. She would nonchalantly call out shortcomings and any insider information that she had on the other 4 people who reported to you.

Now this does a few things, it gives you an employee who you can count on (always performing required tasks without question), an employee who would give you the dirt on others (so you have a pair of eyes everywhere) and I mean everywhere she gets the dirt on everyone, and lastly (and most importantly for her skanky tactics) you have an employee that you can trust… Well, you THINK you can trust…

What you don’t realize is that all of these tactics that are used to get you the dirt on your reports is also being used AGAINST you to get dirt on you so she’ll have ammunition when she needs it to cozy-up to your boss and their boss…

There was a time she was quite cozy with The Gestapo, but think he was smart enough to use her for the info and then kick her back down to the curb. (That’s a funny story, for another day.)

So overtly Skank # 1 is more annoying, especially when you are hung over or had a long day (or night) and just want to get your freakin’ work done without a bunch of drama (Drama is where she excels). Whereas, Skanky #2 is more covert in her tactics and until you are aware of her game you could do considerable damage to your career (probably your life) if she get enough dirt.

I think because of her shorter stature and being less physically conditioned that she created these methods to gain the upper-hand or intimidate other employees. (Since physically this would be difficult.) Once you know she is going to lunch with The Gestapo you might think twice about blasting her on a review or something.

Ok so why did I mention any of this?

Well first thing this morning, about 8:11am, before most inhabitants of The Company arrived, Skank # 2 waddled into my office and goes, “Remind me to tell you this crazy thing about the new girl – Norma Jean” then she scurried off to tell others.

Pretty new girl, new juicy gossip by a dumpy, jealous Skank Sister… Here we go again…

Singing Sally

“My heart will go on….”

Oh no, 7:48 am and the siren wails.

Singing Sally is on my floor.

We have this women I like to call singing Sally, she is one of the old timers here at the Company. I’ve never seen her actually doing any kind of work, ever! I’ve asked a bunch of people exactly what she does (or what she is supposed to do) and not one person has a clue.

I can’t tell you what she is supposed to do but I can tell you what she does do.

She sings!

She literally roams the halls singing. She’ll sing whatever is on the radio, she just sing whatever pops into her head if no radio is in the immediate vicinity, she’ll even FREAKIN’ HUM tunes while you’re having a conversation with her.

Now, in her defense she does perform with local theatre companies putting on musicals and I was dragged to one them and will admit she is good and that type of thing BUT the office has no room for the Freakin’ Phantom of the Opera!

Ok, so the singing gets louder as she approaches my office, at 7:48 there aren’t a lot of denizens in the building (42 minutes prior to the designated start time). She must see my light is on and is drawn to it light a fly is drawn to one of those bug zappers. I guess any inspiring Broadway diva heads toward the lights…

So she spins around my door frame, leg first, picture a 70 year old stripper straddling a stripper pole. Singing that dastardly song from Titanic. I guess she feels it’s her job to serenade people first thing in the morning, but what she doesn’t realize is that the 70 year old stripper straddle makes most people throw up in their mouths.

“Yes Sally, what can I do for you?” I’m trying to eat my breakfast (A salted bagel with plain cream cheese and a large cup of black coffee – in case you were wondering.)

Continuing this vomit inducing serenade she keeps singing, completely ignoring the question. This is nothing new, she’s in her own little world.

She starts waving her finger, pointing at me and then pulling her finger towards herself like she’s calling me over or some other twisted thing she has going on in her mind.

“Not now, I’m eating and then I have to get to work.” Between you and me that work consisted of reading the sport section of the local newspaper for the next 37 minutes but she didn’t need to know that.

She waddled away as she broke into an old Britney Spears tune.

…and then she was gone, and I still have no idea what she does!

Willard

Willard is the doofiest character that works at our great company. Yes I’m being facetious, about the company not doofy Willard. He absolutely LOVES coming to work, performing his duties, albeit very slow, but nevertheless he is the poster child for company morale.

Having said that, his positive attitude creates a huge target on his back for all of the miserable denizens of the company, like the skank sisters.

One other thing I like about Willard is he’s about forty years old, he has no significant other, at least he never told me about one and he tells me everything…. And I mean EVERYTHING!

Oh, what I do like about Willard is his affinity toward video games, primarily vintage video games, but he doesn’t give a shit about how people perceive him, he doesn’t care about having a girlfriend or a wife or having too many friends, but he loves his video games and since I mentioned I liked playing my Playstation 4 one time, ONE TIME, I’m now his fuckin’ office video game buddy.

So I wasn’t surprised that he strolled in my office to tell me about a new vintage video game ROM site that he found. I know, what the hell is a ROM site? Like you I wouldn’t have had a clue but because of my new found friendship with my office video game buddy I now know more then any normal human being should know about what vintage video game ROM sites are.

Now, I don’t mind shooting the shit with Willard, I mean he means well, he’s not a backstabbing douche-back like 3/4 of the people are around here, but he tends to linger. Most of the time this isn’t a major problem but today, hungover and pissed off from my earlier dealings with skank sister #1 plus I have a huge report I have to give to JP before lunch and it’s rounding 11:00 am and have a bit more work to do on this this….

This is where my frustration starts..

“Willard , my friend, I’m meeting with JP for lunch and I have to finish a report so please leave me the FUCK alone!!!”

This is what I’d like to say, but I just don’t have it in me. This guy might actually cry if one of his “friends” told him to go away. So I proceed with caution, like I said he’s not one of the back-stabbing asshats that work here, and there are plenty of those roaming the halls.

So what do I do?

The tactic I take is simple and it always works.

“Madden”, I blurt out.

“What” asked Willard?

“I got 2 elites in one pack last night in Madden, it was fucking epic!!”

See, I know Willard loves vintage video games, he also loves strategy, role-playing and even a good shoot to kill game (as he refers to a first person shooter) from time to time but sports games are Willard’s kryptonite.

Start talking about sports, even real or video game versions and he’ll drop you like a hot potato and that’s exactly what I was counting on.

Instead of continuing the conversation, he goes something like, “Oh shit, JP needs the mail quick I have to get it over there”

And with that he scurried off to do whatever office mailmen do.

Now I really do have to finish this freaking report for JP…

So far today has really giving me a headache. I should’ve fucking banged.

 

Day one – It all begins here.

WTF…

Ok, the skinny, unkept half of the skank sisters was at it again. Today of all days, hungover after a night of bourbon, beer and slow dancing, I did not feel like hearing it.

“You used all my fucking tissues you asshole”, screeched skank sister # 1.

The skank sisters are the dynamic duo of gossip and misery at the office. Skank sister # 1 is the tall lanky, bitchy one. She’s the one who will scream at you first thing in the morning about using her last tissue.

Skank # 2 is the more short and dumpy one of the duo. She not much of an “in your face” type of bitch but more of a gossip spreading, back stabbing fucker who will get you fired in a heartbeat, then laugh, that cigarette induced husky laugh, as she tells the story to her little lunch room clique.

“WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT”, I barked back with a slightly annoyed yet inquisitive look on my face.
The truth of the matter is that I did use her last tissues. So what? If you cared so much about your tissues then don’t leave the box on top of your fucking desk!!!

7:52 on a Friday morning, I’m as hung over as sailor the morning following a day’s leave in Tijuana and I STILL haven’t had any coffee!

“Leave my office before a shove a box a tissues straight up your skinny, little ass!”

She huffed and puffed, gave me the stink eye and FINALLY turned around and left my office.
I could tell already, the tissue crisis was NOT over.

Ok, so it all begins here. Almost 8:00 am, I’ve ALREADY had a skank sister in my office and I’m hungover as a bastard.
Just another day at the office…