Gestapo – www.officesleuth.com

Are You Done? Now Change!

JP, what a fucking character!

OK, I guess you can tell that I’m having one hell of day so far. Did you ever work for someone who you’ll swear just makes you change the way you do things to make your life a living hell?

If this rings a bell then you know JP.

We have a lot of monthly reports and analyses that we put together. After much fanfare and discussions between myself and JP and my team, we’ve gotten the monthly analysis down to a science. So this morning I’m sitting with JP reviewing the monthly processes and he gets that look. That fucking confused, stupid look on his face and I just know that my life is going to get a lot harder for absolutely no reason.

“What if we…”

That’s the way it always starts. We get a process perfected, we are able to get things done timely and accurately and then I get the fucking WHAT IF WE…

This happens at least every 5 or 6 months, it’s almost like JP sits up at night thinking, they’re way too efficient and they’re not working ridiculous amounts of overtime so how can I change everything they do from an automated process to be the most manual method that can possibly be done?

Here’s the thing, this has gone on for years. It’s always the same thing. He gets a fucking bug up his ass to shake things up but then next month we’ll take twice as long to get things done and he LOVES his data. So he’ll start to get (what I call) data withdrawal and after he sees how long his brilliant new methods actually take he makes us go back to the old method the following month.

(If I had to guess, The Gestapo demands information that JP doesn’t have yet so JP has to scramble and he doesn’t want to have to scramble the following month so he makes us go back to the original (perfected) procedures. (Until about 5 or 6 months later when he must get an idea and then he totally forgets what he went through with The Gestapo a half a year ago.)

After the big meeting I’m the one that has to spread the good word to the rest of my team. They know it will eventually happen but they still freak out when it does. (Imagine being able to put in a date and push one button to run a report but now, since you work for JP and that fucking bug crawled up his ass, he makes the process so antiquated that it would be like writing out a huge report by hand, in comparison)

JP is a data freak, he loves data so he asks us to provide ridiculous amounts of details (so much that he’ll never have enough time to go through it all even if he closed his office door, opened a cot and spend the entire week living at The Company.)

He’s like a hoarder, a data hoarder.

So I tell the group JP’s new plan.

“THAT FUCK!” screams Skank Sister # 2.

Now here’s the thing (and I’d never admit this to JP) but the Skank Sister # 2 works for me but her sister works for The Gestapo, so when she is really pissed it’s easy to convince her to mention things in the vicinity of The Gestapo (if not outright telling him.) Remember Skank Sister # 2 always rats on the lower man on the totem pole. (So she’d rat anyone in my department out to me, she’d rat me out to JP, and she’d definitely rat JP out to The Gestapo.)

So my plan was the next time JP got the data bug to casually “suggest” to Skanky # 2 to tell The Gestapo (you have to make her think it was her idea or she won’t do it, at least not willingly.) So by firing the group up and mentioning that I hoped The Gestapo doesn’t think it’s us causing the hold up next month, I think I planted the seed.

I hope she mentions it to him before next month’s reports are due. If The Gestapo reminds JP not to be late then JP will rescind the new details before we actually have to do them.

It’s not like I don’t want to do my job, but doing busywork just to make sure we’re busy isn’t productive, it’s a bullshit waste of time if you ask me.

The lesson learned: Data Hoarding is not cool.

Introducing Mr. ?

Mr. ? is a favorite talking point around the old water cooler.

He is a man who has, probably, the most seniority but nobody (and I mean NOBODY) has any idea what he does for a living?

People have spoken to his personal friends and family and they also ask “What the hell do he actually do?”

He basically arrives on-time, punches in and then takes a company car out. Then he returns somewhere around a half an hour before quitting time, takes a half hour to pack up his shit and then he proceeds to leave, exactly on-time.

The worse part of it is that his manager also has absolutely no idea what he does. You may think that is strange but the way management changes around The Company with people getting promoted, or making a lateral move to another department or people quitting or retiring. You never seem to have the same manager for more than a few years (3-5 years maximum in most cases.)

So, management is getting younger and younger and Mr. ?’s line of bullshit and name dropping is getting better and better so the rumor is that The Company lost track of exactly what Mr. ? does around 3 managers ago. The fourth manger before the current one had some vague idea about what he does and the fifth and beyond (Mr. ? has been around for MANY, MANY years.) has long moved on from The Company.

Mr. ? is a good bullshitter, I’ll give him that. Here’s what always happens.

A young kid in his mid-to-late twenties becomes manager promising to get to the bottom of exactly what Mr. ? does. He will be the one to lay out a job description and force Mr. ? to comply.

What actually happens when the new manager starts is (let me make a bulleted list for simplicity):

• Mr. ? disappears like 5 minutes after his start time so it will take the new manager weeks (or MONTHS) to actually track him down.

• The first time he tracks Mr. ? down the new manager is given a load of bullshit that I like to call “THE VP NAME DROP HEAD FUCK”

o The sense of urgency of Mr. ? is perceived as very high

o Mr. ? drops some big name and something very important that needs to be done for him/her.

o Mr. ? vanishes again without a trace

• The next time Mr. ? is tracked down (could be a week or a month later) he tries the “THE VP NAME DROP HEAD FUCK” again, but since the new manager checked with the VP the last time Mr. ? pulled this and there was definitely no pressing issue (like the one being reported by Mr. ?) he moves on to stage 2

o He’ll use something that the manager mentioned to someone in the department and act like he’s following orders directly from the manager. (He is really good at listening and knows how to grab a few pieces of information, just enough to make him sound plausible.) He might say “I’m running to grab those papers at the attorney’s office that you told one of the skank sisters to compile and pick-up”

o While you wrap your head around whether or not he’s lying or whether you actually mentioned this to him he bolts out of the door. He always uses some reality with some weird urgency to get out the door while you think about whether you actually said it or not. (He needs that 30 seconds of confusion for this to work.)

o The new manager usually finds themselves completely confused while thinking about whether he was ever told to do what he says he’s doing. Meanwhile Mr. ? leaves. I like to call this scam “THANKS FOR THE CONFUSION”

He has a couple other tricks up his sleeve that he uses. This will go on for years until the manager either moves, quits or gets promoted. The joke around the office is that you “adopt” Mr. ?.

On the plus side he is good to have around if you need an errand run during work hours, go to the store or drop this off at the attorney’s office or go pick up some bagels. (Remind me to tell you a really funny story involving Mr. ? and his latest bagel run – Hilarious!)

I know what you’re thinking – Why not just fire his ass?

Mangers have tried and this is where some of that name dropping and errand running has probably served him well. People who have worked at The Company for a long time have become accustomed to having Mr. ? around. Some of the errands he runs for VP’s are real (I’d say 1/5 of the errands – but if he did something for a VP this week he’ll use it for a “THE VP NAME DROP HEAD FUCK” anytime he’s asked what he’s doing during the entire month.)

His back pocket name drop is, of course, The Gestapo. They’ve worked together for a while and The Gestapo loves having a gopher around to do whatever crap he needs done. (I’m not exactly sure if The Gestapo knows that Mr. ? is nothing more than an errand boy.)

It’s just unfair to the current manager that Mr. ?’s salary is in their budget yet the most productive thing he does for the department is get bagels and coffee.

It’s well known that nobody can fire Mr. ?, unless The Gestapo fires him. Every manager I’ve worked with, that “adopted” Mr. ? and after realizing that they can’t outright fire him, thinks they can turn The Gestapo against Mr. ?.

So far nobody has come close, but since Big-Ass is his new manager and she doesn’t seem to take too much shit from anyone, it will be really interesting to see if she can pull it off.

He’s already on her shit list… Stay Tuned.

The Wrath of Karma

Did you ever know a secretary who thinks she wields the same power as the executive she is a secretary for?

If you answered yes then you know Skank Sister #1.

I think part of her pushy aggressive tactics come from the idea that she works for an aggressive executive, we’ll call him The Gestapo, and because she works for this tyrant she feels entitled to behave like a tyrant.

The saddest thing about this behavior is that the average rank and file employees allow themselves to be victimized by her as if she was part of The Gestapo. Now I’m not saying it is right for The Gestapo to act this way, but I know I’m sure as hell not taking shit from a freaking secretary. Gestapo or no Gestapo.

I’m not the only one who feels this way. Personally, I don’t go out of my way to “avenge” my dignity when she tries to pull some shit and drop The Gestapo’s name into a conversation (not a conversation as much as she wants or needs something from you, but instead of just asking like normal person she tries to act like she is a boss… and she is not… this she will soon find out) but there are a lot of people here at The Company that take great pleasure in doing just that – making her look and feel stupid.

Willard, all of people, has absolutely no love for the Skank Sisters but Skank Sister #1 he’s particular hostile towards, especially when she tries to act like the company CEO and tries to tell him what to do.

Willard is our mailroom attendant, plus he’ll do miscellaneous administrative duties around the building. Those duties he will have to work with other administrative staff, like Skank Sister # 1. So there might be some times where she will have to give him direction on what needs to be done (But only on those administrative tasks.)

Let me just say this: NO ONE FUCKS WITH WILLARD’S MAILROOM. (Period.)

So, you might see where someone like Skank Sister # 1 might blur the lines and let the administrative task bleed into his mailroom responsibilities. She is the very definition of give her an inch and she’ll try to take a mile.

So this particular day, she pops into the mailroom and hands Willard a huge stack of mail that “HAS TO” get processed immediately because it’s “important mail” for, you guessed it, The Gestapo.

Now the other thing I need to mention about Willard is that he is very methodical, he has a routine and has to follow it. There are those in The Company for which he will break his routine, obviously, The Gestapo is one of those people. So when he grabbed to stack of mail from Skank Sister # 1 he happen to notice that this was all personal mail for the Skank Sister. By personal I don’t mean her Visa and Cable bills but the normal mail she processes only a weekly basis.

What probably happened was she was late completing her mail for the week and didn’t want to hear about being late from The Gestapo (because he doesn’t do late – unless he’s the one who is late) so she fabricated a story about the mail being a special “rush” job for The Gestapo.

Messing with the order he performs his mail duties creates a beast in Willard. So he goes “NO, this is your shit, I’ll do it when I can.”

So, she does exactly what any devious fucking Skank Sister would do, she went and told The Gestapo that Willard has basically made her late. (I could seriously picture her gloating as she devised that little plan.)

The Gestapo doesn’t do late and if someone is making his secretary late then that person must get scolded, immediately.

“Do (my Skank Secretary’s) mail immediately or you’re fucking fired!” – The Gestapo has spoken.

I think Willard expected that and that didn’t get him too upset but then about 20 minutes later good ‘ol Skank Sister # 1 came by smiling and said:

“Hey Toots, got my mail?”

Her goofy, gloating face really pissed Willard off. All he could think was those 3 little words – Payback’s a Bitch!

Now let me mention one thing about the Skank Sister’s desk, she works from her desk all the time, she eats at her desk all the time and reads a lot of magazines and books at her desk all the time (Nowhere to run when you’re on call for The Gestapo.)

Needless to say her desk is cluttered. (Not dirty but unorganized.)

So a few days later (maybe later on the following week) Skank # 1 comes over to Willard and in anxiously asks if he has seen a Fed Ex envelope for The Gestapo, he has a very serious legal issue (a personal matter – I tell you about another time.)

Willard did indeed have that envelope but he was still so freakin’ pissed that he goes (real sincerely): “No I’ll bring it right over once it arrives.”

With that she storms out of the mailroom.

She stopped by around lunch and asked again, in a real panic this time whether he received the envelope.

“No, told you I’ll bring it right over when I get it.”

OK, to make a long story short Willard gets a call from The Gestapo telling him to stop by his office.

“Willard, are you sure you haven’t seen a Fed Ex package today? (My Skanky Secretary confirmed that they delivered it and YOU signed for it” – pointing intensely at Willard then he nodded to his Skanky Secretary as if to confirm the confirmation.

Willard felt a surge of happiness when he looked directly at The Gestapo, “Of course I received it. I told your Skanky Secretary that I’d bring it over as soon as it arrived. I placed it right on her desk hours ago.”

With that the three of them went over to her desk and shuffled a few books and magazines around and there right under her lunch plate (which consisted of organic hummus and carrot sticks) was the Fed Ex envelope.

The Gestapo gave his Skanky Secretary a stare as if looks could kill because Willard knew that if there is one thing worse than being late, The Gestapo HATES clutter and messiness and Skank Sister # 1 would definitely hear about this. For a long time!

A little later Willard walked back by his favorite Skanky Secretary while she was in the mist of de-cluttering her work-space.

He walked by and smiled and said with a wink.

“Did you get your mail, Toots?”

The Gestapo

Did you ever work for someone who would make your blood pressure rise 50 points just for walking in a room? Now imagine that person is the President and CEO of your otherwise calm and relaxing place of business and you have to privilege of dealing with him on a semi-regular basis.

We have one of them over here at The Company, he is affectionately known (pretty much by the entire staff) as The Gestapo.

One thing I will say to JP’s credit, even though he can a nightmare at times behind closed doors he is nothing compared to the Gestapo. Plus he acts like a buffer between The Gestapo and me (which is one of the reasons I usually look the other way when JP acts like a total douche and still go out to lunch with him or speak to him at all). For all the douchey-ness I take from JP, he takes a million times more directly from The Gestapo.

So you may be thinking, how the hell did The Gestapo get to his position, I mean with everyone on planet Earth hating his fucking guts? Or do they??

Well that answer is tricky.

Contrary to what you might be thinking, The Gestapo does know how to have a good time. If you are a potential new client or a high level new hire for that matter, he can charm the pants off of best of them.

He lives large, VERY large, so if he’s swooning a new customer, money is no object. Anyone in this courting stage will probably think he’s the greatest guy on planet Earth. He has this ability to make people really like him, they genuinely do, until….

The honeymoon ends….

But by then it’s way too late to do anything about it. He’s already got you locked into a contract, or you’ve already quit you’re other job, or any of the million other reasons you have to continue to deal with him.

Did I mention he is smart, REALLY smart!

Besides being one of the smartest people I know he’s also completely arrogant and narcissistic, but not many people wouldn’t be in that role, right? (I doubt I would, I’d feel too much like a phony dick – but money talks…)

He told me one time during a discussion (or an argument, however you want to look at it) that he is NEVER wrong.

The actual conversation went like this:

“I’m never wrong, well I was wrong once and that was a time where I thought I was wrong about something but it turns out I was really right, but since I thought for a minute that I was wrong, I was wrong thinking I was wrong…”

This kind of shit you just can’t make up. Plus it’s very difficult to argue with that logic.

The real difference between JP and The Gestapo is that The Gestapo would have absolutely no qualms about ripping you a new asshole right in the middle of a funeral. He hasn’t a care in the world (I mean he is never wrong) and he really, really enjoys catching people making any kind of mistake.

To his credit he is very smart and it’s almost masterful watching him in action (assuming you’re not on the receiving end.)

He’s especially brutal when it comes to negotiations, it is like a rock concert watching him in action.

He’s rough during negotiations but watch out if one of the other parties (we at The Company know better) tries to lie. He’s like a magician setting up the person. He’ll bait him into elaborating on the lie, he’ll get him to commit to it, misleading on the left side and then…

BAM….

He’ll hit you with a right uppercut (Figuratively not physically), but that’s when the person sees for the first time the true beast that is The Gestapo.