Category: Ethyl

Ethyl

Ethyl Hates

Let me know if you know this person.

The buxom, vixen Ethyl loves every guy that works at The Company, she loves every guy that works with every guy that works at The Company. When she tells of the adventures of the past weekend she tells the tales of leaving her husband home to watch the kids as she meets up with her cousin and her cousin’s firefighter husband (not to mention the rest of the firehouse).

I’m not judging. Hey, if her husband doesn’t care about a couple of firefighters carrying her drunk ass home from the nearby firefighter hangout then who I am to judge?

Actually, I love hearing these stories. For one thing Ethyl has a ridiculously high opinion of herself. Anywhere she goes, no matter who it is, any guy that talks to her (And I mean the slightest chit-chat) she thinks he’s love with her. Again, who am I to judge? (Actually, I think it’s hilarious that she admits half of the shit she does.)

But here’s the funny part. At work she swoons over every guy in the building. The geeks, the freaks, the senior managers and the janitors. AS LONG AS THEY ARE MEN!

Ethyl hates women!

Now, I don’t know if this is an insecurity-thing or a competition-thing, but every new women they hire at The Company she fucking hates! For absolutely no reason I can assure you.

This is why I thought the whole Big-Ass blowout was so funny. I knew it was just a matter of time before Ethyl (with a new FEMALE manager) would cause a huge issue and create tension leading to a UFC cage fight (or catfight) in that department. It just happened a lot faster than I anticipated.

It turns out that there is sometime wrong with any female in Ethyl’s eyes.

A funny story comes to mind. Singing Sally can sing (she actually can sing) but when she sings all day instead of doing work it gets really annoying. Come to think of it, I need to hook Singing Sally and Mr. ? up together, then they can do a whole lot of nothing… together!

Anyway, besides singing, Sally also spends about half the day talking to people. If you see her by the water cooler and ask her how her weekend was she will literally spend a half an hour explaining every detail from her weekend with you. She is very nice but you have to cut her off or you’ll be trapped all day listening to her bullshit.

So one morning she comes in, and I guess that the night before was her birthday, so her husband took her out and they had a romantic dinner and went for a romantic walk and had a great time. I got out after about 12 minutes of hearing about the night. (You literally have to make up an important meeting or something or else she’ll talk all day.)

Sally (being The Company’s social butterfly) is super happy about her birthday and probably spends the entire morning telling everyone about her great night. This included Ethyl.

So Ethyl walks into my office and slammed the door closed. (Believe me I’m not sure what I did to become the company shrink but everyone is compelled to tell me all of their shit.)

“That Fucking Bitch!”

“Which fucking bitch?” I ask (because Ethyl hates every female she meets, and I mean every one of them.)

“Sally is a fucking bitch… Can I just tell you…”

(Let me stop right here, when she asked “can I just tell you” she’s not really asking. No matter what you say she will tell you, but at least it’s usually some juicy gossip or an interesting story or some fucked up thought that, I can’t believe, actually goes through her mind)

“…I have been fighting with my husband all week and she has to come in and rub my nose in her ‘Great Birthday Night’” (read that very sarcastically).

“Did she know that you were fighting with your husband” I don’t know why even continue with this waste of time, but I love meaningless gossip. Especially the kind that you just can’t make up.

To make a long story short, Ethyl fucking hates Singing Sally because she probably asked Sally how her night was and Sally being Sally (she has a bad case of diarrhea of the mouth, you know) was happy to tell her (every fucking detail.) So by telling her about her “great” night last night while (unbeknownst to Sally) Ethyl has been fighting with her husband and now Sally is on Ethyl’s shit list. (But to be fair, every women that Ethyl knows is on that list.)

I don’t know girls, is this normal? Maybe I’m the one that needs my head examined.

I’ll say it again, you just can’t make this shit up!

Big Ass vs. Ethyl – Round 2 – Big Ass’s Revenge

It was early on a Thursday morning, I like to get in around 7:30-7:45, even though our start time is 8:30.

I do this for a few reasons:

1. I hate rushing and there is a lot less traffic in the morning. Plus leaving my house an hour early gives me enough time just in case there is a big traffic jam somewhere.

2. I love sitting for about a half an hour reading (either a newspaper, a book or my iPad..) it doesn’t matter to me I really look forward to this quiet time in the morning.

3. I usually eat my breakfast at this time. Sometimes just a large cup-o-coffee, sometimes a big egg sandwich from the deli, and sometimes a piece of fruit.

The point is it doesn’t matter what I read or eat, the point is I cherish this time before having to really “start the day.”

I could eat and read at home but then I have traffic in the back of my mind. Once I sit at my desk I can truly relax, plus I know exactly how long I have before I need to start to work.

In case you haven’t figured it out, I love my quiet time in the morning before I start the day, I look forward to it as much as I look forward to quitting time. Usually when I get in at 7:30 it is really, really quiet and people usually don’t pile in en masse until like 8:25.

So I’m sure you can imagine was quite startled around five minutes to eight when I heard, as loud as hell, outside of my office.

“WHY DON’T YOU DO US ALL A FAVOR AND GET SOME SELF RESPECT AND PUT YOUR FUCKING TITS AWAY!” The voice was clearly Big Ass’s.

Now the person that she’s had a bit of beef with lately was, of course, Ethyl and Ethyl would definitely fit the “put your tits away” description. Since cleavage is, pretty much, a part of her wardrobe.

Now, on one hand I was pissed that I couldn’t read in peace but on the other hand I was intrigued. Very Intrigued.

This had to be better than the latest middle-east crisis or Ebola scare or who got caught cheating in Washington scandal.

This was a real live scandal, right at The Company!

And I had front row seats.

So I immediately, yet casually, step out of my office as if I needed to use the bathroom or get some more coffee but I couldn’t help noticing that Big Ass is going OFF on Ethyl.

I guess Big Ass slept on the fact that Ethyl took total advantage of her the other day and decided to start Global Thermonuclear War on her ass (and tits from the sound of it.)

It was a cat fight unlike any I’ve ever seen in an office building.

Big Ass went off on her cleavage (and her self-respect)

Ethyl fired back how nasty Big Ass’s Big Fat Ass was and she still proclaimed her innocence and was only being “singled out” because Big Ass was jealous of her “hot curves and booty”

Big Ass told her that she had documented proof she was MIA and then Big Ass goes (I can’t make this shit up)

“Jealous, of you? I can scrape a notched trowel across your face and patch a hole in my wall with all the caked-on make-up you wear.”

I literally thought to myself “Holy shit women are fucking cruel, guys would have just beat the crap out of each other and then go out and get a beer.”

With the wall patching comment, Ethyl started to cry. (Now whenever she is “called out” on the sneaky things she does she always ends up playing the victim to someone who will listen, while the crocodile tears come streaming down her face) But this time the verbal abuse (both ways) was pretty harsh so they may have been real tears. (With Ethyl you never can tell.)

Now what made this freaking HILARIOUS was the more that Ethyl cried (and the insults went back and forth for a few more minutes) the more the make-up smeared down her face.

She ended up looking like a scary, ugly fucking clown prostitute.

What made matters worse for Ethyl but made up for the fact that I lost out on reading this morning was Big Ass’s reaction.

Big Ass burst out laughing hysterically and goes “get your sorry ass in the bathroom and clean yourself up, you look like a pack of sharpies shit all over you face.”

With that, Big Ass made my day, maybe my whole year.

But DAMN…. Women can be Vicious!

My Work Speaks for Itself

Ethyl is a sly, crafty vixen who also does as little work as possible, but she is not as overtly inoperative as Singing Sally. Ethyl would have to be classified as outright deceptive, a master of “looking” busy.

Ethyl needs her fix of socializing throughout the day, she works in an administrative capacity, but like a butterfly, floats about the building and spends time with everyone.

She is an IT groupie, friends with the Crazy One (yes, a story for another day), accounting, sales, operations, you name it. She seems to spend time everywhere except where she is supposed to be.

Ok, a little back story on this little vixen. I used to go lunch with her occasionally, just to have someone to go to lunch with, but she is the type of person that starts out with friendly banter, then by the 4th or 5th time you go out to lunch together (and there could be a bunch of people out to lunch at the same time, as long as she is at least 4 or 5 lunches familiar with them you get the same result) she starts bitching about work, then by 10 or 12 lunches she starts bitching about her home life.

It’s at this point I had to cut her off, leave her to Accounting or the IT Crowd.

Besides bitching non-stop about her husband and kids, she also thought very highly of herself. She was a little plump (and it looks like she is getting plumper over time), she wears about pound and a half of makeup and will brag about anyone whoever said hello to her.

She stopped by office one time, on her rounds to socialize at least 5 times a day with every employee at The Company and told me she took her kick to a doctor and he asked her out on a date. The sad thing is that she was FUCKING glowing because a 65 year old, horny doctor asked her out. I don’t know if she went or not (personally I don’t care) but the mere fact that she spreads this type of news like wildfire really makes me shake my head. (This wasn’t an isolated incident – She would brag about someone commenting on her glasses or some drunk dude offering to buy her a drink – all the while the husband is home with kids – DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL IS MY MOTTO FOR ETHYL.)

Ok so what did this little diversion have to do with Ethyl’s work here at The Company?

Ok, it’s funny story that happened this afternoon. Ethyl boss was on vacation, so she made her rounds as usual but the interim boss this week (A women affectionately known as Big-Ass, more on this later) started tracking her movements. It turns out that she went MIA (Missing-in-Action) for about an hour and fifteen minutes in the morning, then before Big-Ass could talk to Ethyl about her whereabouts Ethyl went to lunch, so about 15 minutes into Ethyl’s lunch the Big-Ass went to lunch.

Big-Ass returned in an hour, exactly. Still no Ethyl, about 20 minutes later Ethyl Returns!!!

Ok so Big-Ass is compiling a chart of all of the non-work that Ethyl is not doing. She gets the documentation and then goes out to approach and speak with Ethyl.

Guess what, Ethyl is MIA… AGAIN!

After about 45-50 minutes of being MIA, Big-Ass finally tracks her down in the Accounting Department. I think Ethyl has realized that NERDS LIKE CLEAVAGE, so Ethyl knows a low cut blouse will keep the accounting group occupied all day long (She also figured out this works with IT, operations, sales and the manly looking lesbian with have working on the 2nd floor.)

So after about an hour Ethyl strolls back to her desk and starts to work (Which in her case is to look busy.)

So Big-Ass sends her an instant message (which subsequently was made public):

BIG ASS? 5:26 PM ?
Are you having accounting issues? 
You seem to be spending an inordinate amount of time in there today.
ETHYL? 5:38 PM ?
NO, I just walked back there cause I am running Test with … 
(Dreamy looking accountant - ok I made that last part up.) 
I've been at my desk and caught up on what is needed, 
not sure where this is coming from
BIG ASS? 5:42 PM ?
It's just people (including myself) have been looking for you.
This morning for about an hour (11-12) 
I asked around and no one knew where you were.
and now for the past 45 minutes you were MIA.
If you are caught up and need work I can get you things to work on. 
If you're having an issue with accounting and they are testing something 
I doubt you need to actually be in the accounting office the whole time.
Ethyl? 5:43 PM ?
There is no way i was MIA for an entire hour
not sure why I am being singled out here...My work speaks for itself

Ok, so here is facts that we have to go on. Apparently Ethyl is caught up with her work and is baffled by the idea that someone might question the fact that she is MIA for 2 ½ hours during the course of a day because she is caught up. (Personally if that rule applied and we could do whatever we wanted once we were caught up I would’ve went home or grabbed a drink rather than hang out with accounting, looking at stupid Facebook videos on my phone.)

Secondly, “Not sure why I am being singled out” – hmmm, could it be that you’re the only one MISSING IN ACTION for almost THREE HOURS???

Lastly, her “work speaks for itself” – what the hell does that mean?? I actually did the job you’re paying me to do so and no one else on Earth could possibly process work like I do. Totally full of herself – hilarious – you’d think she was a nuclear engineer that just created time travel.

I can’t wait to see what happens tomorrow, stay tuned…