Category: Big Ass

Big Ass

Behind the Wall of Sleep

Get the fuck out of here! – That’s exactly what I said, loudly right in the middle of the office.

I couldn’t believe it. The gossip that spread today was completely unexpected. Which made for a great buzz around the office but even more than the buzz around town it was a decisive victory for Big-Ass.

Nobody thought she’d be able to pull it off (Well to be honest I thought if anyone could do it Big-Ass would have the best chance to date) but she did and it’s a marvelous victory!

Well to someone on the outside, who doesn’t work for The Company it might not seem like such a feat but here the office was set a-twitter.

Ok enough mystery let me explain exactly what the hell I’m talking about.

As it turns out, Big-Ass has made it her mission to investigate and find out exactly what Mr. ? does and exactly where Mr. ? goes through-out the day. She’s become an outright special agent, literally tailing him in a company car at various times throughout the day.

For the past few days, since she’s turned into Secret Agent Big-Ass, she’s noticed that immediately after leaving for lunch he heads home. He stays home for well over an hour. (Now I don’t know if you’d call this spy craft by a manager creative or creepy but I find it triumphantly, hilarious that someone would have to go through such lengths just to find out what one of their employees actually do all day long.)

Let’s say Mr. ? spend an hour and a half to two hours at his home pretty much every day this week (probably every day, every week but no one was watching before Secret Agent Big-Ass was on the case.)

So after a few days, there was a Showdown in old coral (or in Big-Ass’s office if you’d rather be more realistic.)

So Big-Ass had enough, and basically was like “We’ve checked the GPS in The Company’s car and you spend well over your lunch hour at home. What the fuck are you doing because you sure as hell aren’t working?”

“Napping”

“Wait did you just say, Napping? You’re fucking napping on company time and admitting it?”

“No, Actually I’m power napping on my time and admitting it”

“You get one hour for lunch, not an hour and a half – TWO HOURS!!!”

?”No you’re wrong, I get an hour for lunch and two fifteen minute breaks. I just combine them into one break and I go home and take a nap. Like I said it’s all done on my time”

Mr. ? had a little smirk because he thought he outsmarted Big-Ass but she wasn’t having it.

“NO FUCKING WAY! That is not how this works. First off fucker (yes she screamed fucker in the middle of the office right in the middle of morning coffee rush. Everyone on the entire floor heard it. It was fucking HILARIOUS) I make the rules not you! And from now on I need to know what time you take your breaks so a.) I can keep track of where the fuck you are and b.) I don’t have too many people out at one time. Those 15 minutes breaks are so you can relief yourself so you don’t shit your pants in the middle of the afternoon, not so you can run home and take a nap.”

?”Power nap”

I literally thought she was going to swing a chair and hit him in the head but Big-Ass restrained herself.

“I don’t care what kind of nap it is. All I know is you better get your ass back to work within your lunch HOUR or I’m going to Power Punch you in your fucking Pussy – Nap boy!”

Imagine that a women manager telling a fifty something year old slacker that she was going to punch him in his pussy in front of the entire building.

Big-Ass – My Pussy Punching Hero.

 

Mr. ?, Bagels and Big-Ass

Ok, here is a story about Mr. ? that I just have to tell you. (I did promise, right?)

Since I am friendly with Big-Ass, I get the low-down on a lot of happenings in her department. For some strange reason wacky things seem to follow Big-Ass. I mean since she adopted a department for one week and then had a run in with Ethyl. I may have forgot to mention that after the major blow-out between those two The Company thought it would be best that Big-Ass take over that department on a more permanent basis.

With that came the perks and torments of Mr. ?.

On one hand, she had a gopher that was happy as a pig in shit to go out and run stupid errands for her (albeit, taking 3 hours to do a job that should have taken 20 minutes, but it gets done…. Eventually!)

On the other hand, she has to deal with Mr.? – useless employee that nobody knows what the hell he does, he complains about everything and will drop names and threaten to report back to The Gestapo if you “interfere” with his work (basically if you try to do your job and actually give him a job that is Mr.?’s definition of interfering.)

So it was a beautiful Tuesday morning and up until this point Big-Ass wanted to confront Mr.? but always backed off. Outside of him getting paid to disappear for the day he really hasn’t done anything that made Big-Ass blow her top. It all changed that Tuesday morning, Big-Ass couldn’t take it anymore.

Ok a little back pedaling, we were at lunch on Tuesday having some Thai food (a local joint we frequent at The Company) when Big-Ass looked down at the red chili paste on the table and said, “I’d like smash his fucking head open!”

It was so random, but I knew there was a good story to be had, so I asked WTF ?

She smiled and just said, “This reminded me of blood and how much I’d like to kick Mr.? in the face.”

“What did he do (or didn’t do) now?”

She got all flustered and goes, “What would you have done. Get this…”

And with that she proceeded to tell me the story. Now I’ve known Mr. ? for years, and he’s made some ballsy moves but this goes way beyond what I thought he was capable of doing. This has to be one of the ballsiest things he’s pulled.

A little background.

On Friday morning’s in Big-Ass’s new group they all chip in for bagels.

Naturally, Mr. ? is the one who volunteers to pick them up.

You’d think it was because he lives around the corner from the bagel store so he could leave his house five minutes early and pick them up on his way to work, but this is Mr.? we’re talking about.

He drives to work right on time and then jumps in a company car and travels 20 minutes back to the bagel store (you know, the one right by his house.) This alone would freak me out.

He comes back with the bagels fucking pissed off as all hell. When asked what his problem was he proceeded to tell the department the whole story.

As he was driving back to work he caught a “FLASH” in his rear-view mirror – maybe his manager can’t catch him but the Red Light Camera on the corner of Main St. sure as hell did.

For the rest of Friday it was business as usual (except they all knew he was pissed and got a red light ticket but other than that BAU (business as usual), Mr. ? disappeared most of the day and packed up twenty minutes before quitting time and left exactly on time. But I’m guessing that he was doing some thinking over the weekend and ending up writing his thoughts down.

Apparently, Monday was business as usual but right before he left for the day he ended up emailing the entire department the following letter (from his apparent epiphany over the weekend) .

(Big-Ass keeps a copy in her purse because no one would believe it otherwise.)

To the whole department,

During my trip to get bagels last Friday, I ended up getting a ticket for the red light camera on Main St.

Since my trip was for the benefit of the whole department I think it’s only fair that either I will not contribute for Friday bagels until the $75 is paid or we split the cost of the ticket between the entire department.

This is why Big-Ass wanted to see blood. She was fucking fuming, I thought it was fucking hilarious.

“Hey, Mr. ?, are you fucking kidding me???” She confronted him and he made it out to be a joke. Believe me, nobody in that group thought it was a joke, especially Mr. ?.

This will be the talk of The Company for a while.

You can’t make this shit up…

Hilarious.

Introducing Mr. ?

Mr. ? is a favorite talking point around the old water cooler.

He is a man who has, probably, the most seniority but nobody (and I mean NOBODY) has any idea what he does for a living?

People have spoken to his personal friends and family and they also ask “What the hell do he actually do?”

He basically arrives on-time, punches in and then takes a company car out. Then he returns somewhere around a half an hour before quitting time, takes a half hour to pack up his shit and then he proceeds to leave, exactly on-time.

The worse part of it is that his manager also has absolutely no idea what he does. You may think that is strange but the way management changes around The Company with people getting promoted, or making a lateral move to another department or people quitting or retiring. You never seem to have the same manager for more than a few years (3-5 years maximum in most cases.)

So, management is getting younger and younger and Mr. ?’s line of bullshit and name dropping is getting better and better so the rumor is that The Company lost track of exactly what Mr. ? does around 3 managers ago. The fourth manger before the current one had some vague idea about what he does and the fifth and beyond (Mr. ? has been around for MANY, MANY years.) has long moved on from The Company.

Mr. ? is a good bullshitter, I’ll give him that. Here’s what always happens.

A young kid in his mid-to-late twenties becomes manager promising to get to the bottom of exactly what Mr. ? does. He will be the one to lay out a job description and force Mr. ? to comply.

What actually happens when the new manager starts is (let me make a bulleted list for simplicity):

• Mr. ? disappears like 5 minutes after his start time so it will take the new manager weeks (or MONTHS) to actually track him down.

• The first time he tracks Mr. ? down the new manager is given a load of bullshit that I like to call “THE VP NAME DROP HEAD FUCK”

o The sense of urgency of Mr. ? is perceived as very high

o Mr. ? drops some big name and something very important that needs to be done for him/her.

o Mr. ? vanishes again without a trace

• The next time Mr. ? is tracked down (could be a week or a month later) he tries the “THE VP NAME DROP HEAD FUCK” again, but since the new manager checked with the VP the last time Mr. ? pulled this and there was definitely no pressing issue (like the one being reported by Mr. ?) he moves on to stage 2

o He’ll use something that the manager mentioned to someone in the department and act like he’s following orders directly from the manager. (He is really good at listening and knows how to grab a few pieces of information, just enough to make him sound plausible.) He might say “I’m running to grab those papers at the attorney’s office that you told one of the skank sisters to compile and pick-up”

o While you wrap your head around whether or not he’s lying or whether you actually mentioned this to him he bolts out of the door. He always uses some reality with some weird urgency to get out the door while you think about whether you actually said it or not. (He needs that 30 seconds of confusion for this to work.)

o The new manager usually finds themselves completely confused while thinking about whether he was ever told to do what he says he’s doing. Meanwhile Mr. ? leaves. I like to call this scam “THANKS FOR THE CONFUSION”

He has a couple other tricks up his sleeve that he uses. This will go on for years until the manager either moves, quits or gets promoted. The joke around the office is that you “adopt” Mr. ?.

On the plus side he is good to have around if you need an errand run during work hours, go to the store or drop this off at the attorney’s office or go pick up some bagels. (Remind me to tell you a really funny story involving Mr. ? and his latest bagel run – Hilarious!)

I know what you’re thinking – Why not just fire his ass?

Mangers have tried and this is where some of that name dropping and errand running has probably served him well. People who have worked at The Company for a long time have become accustomed to having Mr. ? around. Some of the errands he runs for VP’s are real (I’d say 1/5 of the errands – but if he did something for a VP this week he’ll use it for a “THE VP NAME DROP HEAD FUCK” anytime he’s asked what he’s doing during the entire month.)

His back pocket name drop is, of course, The Gestapo. They’ve worked together for a while and The Gestapo loves having a gopher around to do whatever crap he needs done. (I’m not exactly sure if The Gestapo knows that Mr. ? is nothing more than an errand boy.)

It’s just unfair to the current manager that Mr. ?’s salary is in their budget yet the most productive thing he does for the department is get bagels and coffee.

It’s well known that nobody can fire Mr. ?, unless The Gestapo fires him. Every manager I’ve worked with, that “adopted” Mr. ? and after realizing that they can’t outright fire him, thinks they can turn The Gestapo against Mr. ?.

So far nobody has come close, but since Big-Ass is his new manager and she doesn’t seem to take too much shit from anyone, it will be really interesting to see if she can pull it off.

 

He’s already on her shit list… Stay Tuned.

Big Ass vs. Ethyl – Round 2 – Big Ass’s Revenge

It was early on a Thursday morning, I like to get in around 7:30-7:45, even though our start time is 8:30.

I do this for a few reasons:

1. I hate rushing and there is a lot less traffic in the morning. Plus leaving my house an hour early gives me enough time just in case there is a big traffic jam somewhere.

2. I love sitting for about a half an hour reading (either a newspaper, a book or my iPad..) it doesn’t matter to me I really look forward to this quiet time in the morning.

3. I usually eat my breakfast at this time. Sometimes just a large cup-o-coffee, sometimes a big egg sandwich from the deli, and sometimes a piece of fruit.

The point is it doesn’t matter what I read or eat, the point is I cherish this time before having to really “start the day.”

I could eat and read at home but then I have traffic in the back of my mind. Once I sit at my desk I can truly relax, plus I know exactly how long I have before I need to start to work.

In case you haven’t figured it out, I love my quiet time in the morning before I start the day, I look forward to it as much as I look forward to quitting time. Usually when I get in at 7:30 it is really, really quiet and people usually don’t pile in en masse until like 8:25.

So I’m sure you can imagine was quite startled around five minutes to eight when I heard, as loud as hell, outside of my office.

“WHY DON’T YOU DO US ALL A FAVOR AND GET SOME SELF RESPECT AND PUT YOUR FUCKING TITS AWAY!” The voice was clearly Big Ass’s.

Now the person that she’s had a bit of beef with lately was, of course, Ethyl and Ethyl would definitely fit the “put your tits away” description. Since cleavage is, pretty much, a part of her wardrobe.

Now, on one hand I was pissed that I couldn’t read in peace but on the other hand I was intrigued. Very Intrigued.

This had to be better than the latest middle-east crisis or Ebola scare or who got caught cheating in Washington scandal.

This was a real live scandal, right at The Company!

And I had front row seats.

So I immediately, yet casually, step out of my office as if I needed to use the bathroom or get some more coffee but I couldn’t help noticing that Big Ass is going OFF on Ethyl.

I guess Big Ass slept on the fact that Ethyl took total advantage of her the other day and decided to start Global Thermonuclear War on her ass (and tits from the sound of it.)

It was a cat fight unlike any I’ve ever seen in an office building.

Big Ass went off on her cleavage (and her self-respect)

Ethyl fired back how nasty Big Ass’s Big Fat Ass was and she still proclaimed her innocence and was only being “singled out” because Big Ass was jealous of her “hot curves and booty”

Big Ass told her that she had documented proof she was MIA and then Big Ass goes (I can’t make this shit up)

“Jealous, of you? I can scrape a notched trowel across your face and patch a hole in my wall with all the caked-on make-up you wear.”

I literally thought to myself “Holy shit women are fucking cruel, guys would have just beat the crap out of each other and then go out and get a beer.”

With the wall patching comment, Ethyl started to cry. (Now whenever she is “called out” on the sneaky things she does she always ends up playing the victim to someone who will listen, while the crocodile tears come streaming down her face) But this time the verbal abuse (both ways) was pretty harsh so they may have been real tears. (With Ethyl you never can tell.)

Now what made this freaking HILARIOUS was the more that Ethyl cried (and the insults went back and forth for a few more minutes) the more the make-up smeared down her face.

She ended up looking like a scary, ugly fucking clown prostitute.

What made matters worse for Ethyl but made up for the fact that I lost out on reading this morning was Big Ass’s reaction.

Big Ass burst out laughing hysterically and goes “get your sorry ass in the bathroom and clean yourself up, you look like a pack of sharpies shit all over you face.”

With that, Big Ass made my day, maybe my whole year.

But DAMN…. Women can be Vicious!

The Legend of Big Ass

Even though Big Ass is a good manager and will not take crap from anyone she is still fucking LOONEY!!!

Now, before you get on my ass, let me explain.

And before you ask, yes, Big Ass does have a great big ass. She has cankles and wears 2-3 inch heels that seem to buckle under the weight of her gigantic ass as she walks down the hall.

Ok so now you know why everyone at The Company calls her Big Ass, and she is a good manager (remind me to tell you the rest of the story of how Big Ass ended Ethyl’s lying spree) but she still has a few shades of crazy under her belt and it ain’t pretty.

First off, let me reiterate (in case you missed it) – The Bitch is CRAZY!!!!!!!

I have a personal “in” with the human resource manager (ok, twist my arm and I’ll give you all the juicy gossip really soon, but first – Big Ass.) Well, it’s common knowledge that Big Ass waddled down to the human resource office at least three times a week. She seems to get a bug up her Big Ass to get a certain member of The Company fired and will go to the human resource department to lodge a complain at least three times a week.

From very petty to outright unbelievable, the accusations that come out her mouth are, I find, hilarious. The only people who don’t get amused by her antics are the people she is accusing of whatever the hell she decides bothers her this particular day. (And this could be both males and females – remind to tell you what happened to Ethyl – Freakin’ Hilarious.)

Anyway, the episode that comes to mind that I must share with you is Big Ass’s run in with Stan the Man. Stan would indirectly make fun of Big Ass’s big ass by talking on the phone to other people or telling funny-ass jokes about funny “Big” Ass’s, so she would get wind of this or overhear these conversations and end up with her Big Ass in the human resource department everyday.

When Human Resources told her that they couldn’t fire someone for telling a joke revolving around a fat girl Big Ass got an idea…

Big Ass became a lesbian!

Now, I personally have nothing against lesbians, but Big Ass clearly wasn’t a lesbian, I went out to exactly two after work functions where Big Ass attended and she was hanging all over guys, maybe not exactly Brad Pitt caliber guys but – they were human beings with penises – I’ll leave it at that.

So now she has ammunition because Stan the Man told a mad funny lesbian joke and now she was a lesbian so she basically equated Stan’s joke to the human resource manager as a fucking hate crime.

THE INTERVENTION

So, from my office I watch Stan walk into the human resource manger’s office, then a few minutes later I watch Big Ass waddle into the HR office and I know – It’s on!!!!!!

Apparently they give Stan the Man a warning and Big Ass gets a much bigger office – go figure, but I guess The Company saw a lawsuit forming. So Stan and Big Ass were separated… or so we thought.

She then proceeded to call Stan into her office everyday to fix her newly lesbianized computer (Stan was a main player in IT) and apparently somehow Stan fixed her computer in some derogatory manner.

So back into HR Big Ass went.

Once I saw Big Ass waddle her fat ass down to HR for the third day in a row, I knew something with up – and that didn’t bode well for poor ol’ Stan the Man…..

Long story short Stan the Man is not employed by The Company anymore…

Fearing a lawsuit The Company buckled under the pressure of the newly converted member of the lesbian way of life…. Big Ass.

For that I can never really forgive her, trust her or look at her Big Ass the same way again.

But it’s still masterful how this newly minted lesbian handled Ethyl’s big cleavage.

Stay tuned…

My Work Speaks for Itself

Ethyl is a sly, crafty vixen who also does as little work as possible, but she is not as overtly inoperative as Singing Sally. Ethyl would have to be classified as outright deceptive, a master of “looking” busy.

Ethyl needs her fix of socializing throughout the day, she works in an administrative capacity, but like a butterfly, floats about the building and spends time with everyone.

She is an IT groupie, friends with the Crazy One (yes, a story for another day), accounting, sales, operations, you name it. She seems to spend time everywhere except where she is supposed to be.

Ok, a little back story on this little vixen. I used to go lunch with her occasionally, just to have someone to go to lunch with, but she is the type of person that starts out with friendly banter, then by the 4th or 5th time you go out to lunch together (and there could be a bunch of people out to lunch at the same time, as long as she is at least 4 or 5 lunches familiar with them you get the same result) she starts bitching about work, then by 10 or 12 lunches she starts bitching about her home life.

It’s at this point I had to cut her off, leave her to Accounting or the IT Crowd.

Besides bitching non-stop about her husband and kids, she also thought very highly of herself. She was a little plump (and it looks like she is getting plumper over time), she wears about pound and a half of makeup and will brag about anyone whoever said hello to her.

She stopped by office one time, on her rounds to socialize at least 5 times a day with every employee at The Company and told me she took her kick to a doctor and he asked her out on a date. The sad thing is that she was FUCKING glowing because a 65 year old, horny doctor asked her out. I don’t know if she went or not (personally I don’t care) but the mere fact that she spreads this type of news like wildfire really makes me shake my head. (This wasn’t an isolated incident – She would brag about someone commenting on her glasses or some drunk dude offering to buy her a drink – all the while the husband is home with kids – DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL IS MY MOTTO FOR ETHYL.)

Ok so what did this little diversion have to do with Ethyl’s work here at The Company?

Ok, it’s funny story that happened this afternoon. Ethyl boss was on vacation, so she made her rounds as usual but the interim boss this week (A women affectionately known as Big-Ass, more on this later) started tracking her movements. It turns out that she went MIA (Missing-in-Action) for about an hour and fifteen minutes in the morning, then before Big-Ass could talk to Ethyl about her whereabouts Ethyl went to lunch, so about 15 minutes into Ethyl’s lunch the Big-Ass went to lunch.

Big-Ass returned in an hour, exactly. Still no Ethyl, about 20 minutes later Ethyl Returns!!!

Ok so Big-Ass is compiling a chart of all of the non-work that Ethyl is not doing. She gets the documentation and then goes out to approach and speak with Ethyl.

Guess what, Ethyl is MIA… AGAIN!

After about 45-50 minutes of being MIA, Big-Ass finally tracks her down in the Accounting Department. I think Ethyl has realized that NERDS LIKE CLEAVAGE, so Ethyl knows a low cut blouse will keep the accounting group occupied all day long (She also figured out this works with IT, operations, sales and the manly looking lesbian with have working on the 2nd floor.)

So after about an hour Ethyl strolls back to her desk and starts to work (Which in her case is to look busy.)

So Big-Ass sends her an instant message (which subsequently was made public):

BIG ASS? 5:26 PM ?
Are you having accounting issues? 
You seem to be spending an inordinate amount of time in there today.
ETHYL? 5:38 PM ?
NO, I just walked back there cause I am running Test with … 
(Dreamy looking accountant - ok I made that last part up.) 
I've been at my desk and caught up on what is needed, 
not sure where this is coming from
BIG ASS? 5:42 PM ?
It's just people (including myself) have been looking for you.
This morning for about an hour (11-12) 
I asked around and no one knew where you were.
and now for the past 45 minutes you were MIA.
If you are caught up and need work I can get you things to work on. 
If you're having an issue with accounting and they are testing something 
I doubt you need to actually be in the accounting office the whole time.
Ethyl? 5:43 PM ?
There is no way i was MIA for an entire hour
not sure why I am being singled out here...My work speaks for itself

Ok, so here is facts that we have to go on. Apparently Ethyl is caught up with her work and is baffled by the idea that someone might question the fact that she is MIA for 2 ½ hours during the course of a day because she is caught up. (Personally if that rule applied and we could do whatever we wanted once we were caught up I would’ve went home or grabbed a drink rather than hang out with accounting, looking at stupid Facebook videos on my phone.)

Secondly, “Not sure why I am being singled out” – hmmm, could it be that you’re the only one MISSING IN ACTION for almost THREE HOURS???

Lastly, her “work speaks for itself” – what the hell does that mean?? I actually did the job you’re paying me to do so and no one else on Earth could possibly process work like I do. Totally full of herself – hilarious – you’d think she was a nuclear engineer that just created time travel.

I can’t wait to see what happens tomorrow, stay tuned…