Ok, here is a story about Mr. ? that I just have to tell you. (I did promise, right?)
Since I am friendly with Big-Ass, I get the low-down on a lot of happenings in her department. For some strange reason wacky things seem to follow Big-Ass. I mean since she adopted a department for one week and then had a run in with Ethyl. I may have forgot to mention that after the major blow-out between those two The Company thought it would be best that Big-Ass take over that department on a more permanent basis.
With that came the perks and torments of Mr. ?.
On one hand, she had a gopher that was happy as a pig in shit to go out and run stupid errands for her (albeit, taking 3 hours to do a job that should have taken 20 minutes, but it gets done…. Eventually!)
On the other hand, she has to deal with Mr.? – useless employee that nobody knows what the hell he does, he complains about everything and will drop names and threaten to report back to The Gestapo if you “interfere” with his work (basically if you try to do your job and actually give him a job that is Mr.?’s definition of interfering.)
So it was a beautiful Tuesday morning and up until this point Big-Ass wanted to confront Mr.? but always backed off. Outside of him getting paid to disappear for the day he really hasn’t done anything that made Big-Ass blow her top. It all changed that Tuesday morning, Big-Ass couldn’t take it anymore.
Ok a little back pedaling, we were at lunch on Tuesday having some Thai food (a local joint we frequent at The Company) when Big-Ass looked down at the red chili paste on the table and said, “I’d like smash his fucking head open!”
It was so random, but I knew there was a good story to be had, so I asked WTF ?
She smiled and just said, “This reminded me of blood and how much I’d like to kick Mr.? in the face.”
“What did he do (or didn’t do) now?”
She got all flustered and goes, “What would you have done. Get this…”
And with that she proceeded to tell me the story. Now I’ve known Mr. ? for years, and he’s made some ballsy moves but this goes way beyond what I thought he was capable of doing. This has to be one of the ballsiest things he’s pulled.
A little background.
On Friday morning’s in Big-Ass’s new group they all chip in for bagels.
Naturally, Mr. ? is the one who volunteers to pick them up.
You’d think it was because he lives around the corner from the bagel store so he could leave his house five minutes early and pick them up on his way to work, but this is Mr.? we’re talking about.
He drives to work right on time and then jumps in a company car and travels 20 minutes back to the bagel store (you know, the one right by his house.) This alone would freak me out.
He comes back with the bagels fucking pissed off as all hell. When asked what his problem was he proceeded to tell the department the whole story.
As he was driving back to work he caught a “FLASH” in his rear-view mirror – maybe his manager can’t catch him but the Red Light Camera on the corner of Main St. sure as hell did.
For the rest of Friday it was business as usual (except they all knew he was pissed and got a red light ticket but other than that BAU (business as usual), Mr. ? disappeared most of the day and packed up twenty minutes before quitting time and left exactly on time. But I’m guessing that he was doing some thinking over the weekend and ending up writing his thoughts down.
Apparently, Monday was business as usual but right before he left for the day he ended up emailing the entire department the following letter (from his apparent epiphany over the weekend) .
(Big-Ass keeps a copy in her purse because no one would believe it otherwise.)
To the whole department,
During my trip to get bagels last Friday, I ended up getting a ticket for the red light camera on Main St.
Since my trip was for the benefit of the whole department I think it’s only fair that either I will not contribute for Friday bagels until the $75 is paid or we split the cost of the ticket between the entire department.
This is why Big-Ass wanted to see blood. She was fucking fuming, I thought it was fucking hilarious.
“Hey, Mr. ?, are you fucking kidding me???” She confronted him and he made it out to be a joke. Believe me, nobody in that group thought it was a joke, especially Mr. ?.
This will be the talk of The Company for a while.
You can’t make this shit up…
Hilarious.