Get the fuck out of here! – That’s exactly what I said, loudly right in the middle of the office.
I couldn’t believe it. The gossip that spread today was completely unexpected. Which made for a great buzz around the office but even more than the buzz around town it was a decisive victory for Big-Ass.
Nobody thought she’d be able to pull it off (Well to be honest I thought if anyone could do it Big-Ass would have the best chance to date) but she did and it’s a marvelous victory!
Well to someone on the outside, who doesn’t work for The Company it might not seem like such a feat but here the office was set a-twitter.
Ok enough mystery let me explain exactly what the hell I’m talking about.
As it turns out, Big-Ass has made it her mission to investigate and find out exactly what Mr. ? does and exactly where Mr. ? goes through-out the day. She’s become an outright special agent, literally tailing him in a company car at various times throughout the day.
For the past few days, since she’s turned into Secret Agent Big-Ass, she’s noticed that immediately after leaving for lunch he heads home. He stays home for well over an hour. (Now I don’t know if you’d call this spy craft by a manager creative or creepy but I find it triumphantly, hilarious that someone would have to go through such lengths just to find out what one of their employees actually do all day long.)
Let’s say Mr. ? spend an hour and a half to two hours at his home pretty much every day this week (probably every day, every week but no one was watching before Secret Agent Big-Ass was on the case.)
So after a few days, there was a Showdown in old coral (or in Big-Ass’s office if you’d rather be more realistic.)
So Big-Ass had enough, and basically was like “We’ve checked the GPS in The Company’s car and you spend well over your lunch hour at home. What the fuck are you doing because you sure as hell aren’t working?”
“Napping”
“Wait did you just say, Napping? You’re fucking napping on company time and admitting it?”
“No, Actually I’m power napping on my time and admitting it”
“You get one hour for lunch, not an hour and a half – TWO HOURS!!!”
?”No you’re wrong, I get an hour for lunch and two fifteen minute breaks. I just combine them into one break and I go home and take a nap. Like I said it’s all done on my time”
Mr. ? had a little smirk because he thought he outsmarted Big-Ass but she wasn’t having it.
“NO FUCKING WAY! That is not how this works. First off fucker (yes she screamed fucker in the middle of the office right in the middle of morning coffee rush. Everyone on the entire floor heard it. It was fucking HILARIOUS) I make the rules not you! And from now on I need to know what time you take your breaks so a.) I can keep track of where the fuck you are and b.) I don’t have too many people out at one time. Those 15 minutes breaks are so you can relief yourself so you don’t shit your pants in the middle of the afternoon, not so you can run home and take a nap.”
?”Power nap”
I literally thought she was going to swing a chair and hit him in the head but Big-Ass restrained herself.
“I don’t care what kind of nap it is. All I know is you better get your ass back to work within your lunch HOUR or I’m going to Power Punch you in your fucking Pussy – Nap boy!”
Imagine that a women manager telling a fifty something year old slacker that she was going to punch him in his pussy in front of the entire building.
Big-Ass – My Pussy Punching Hero.