Mr. ? is a favorite talking point around the old water cooler.
He is a man who has, probably, the most seniority but nobody (and I mean NOBODY) has any idea what he does for a living?
People have spoken to his personal friends and family and they also ask “What the hell do he actually do?”
He basically arrives on-time, punches in and then takes a company car out. Then he returns somewhere around a half an hour before quitting time, takes a half hour to pack up his shit and then he proceeds to leave, exactly on-time.
The worse part of it is that his manager also has absolutely no idea what he does. You may think that is strange but the way management changes around The Company with people getting promoted, or making a lateral move to another department or people quitting or retiring. You never seem to have the same manager for more than a few years (3-5 years maximum in most cases.)
So, management is getting younger and younger and Mr. ?’s line of bullshit and name dropping is getting better and better so the rumor is that The Company lost track of exactly what Mr. ? does around 3 managers ago. The fourth manger before the current one had some vague idea about what he does and the fifth and beyond (Mr. ? has been around for MANY, MANY years.) has long moved on from The Company.
Mr. ? is a good bullshitter, I’ll give him that. Here’s what always happens.
A young kid in his mid-to-late twenties becomes manager promising to get to the bottom of exactly what Mr. ? does. He will be the one to lay out a job description and force Mr. ? to comply.
What actually happens when the new manager starts is (let me make a bulleted list for simplicity):
• Mr. ? disappears like 5 minutes after his start time so it will take the new manager weeks (or MONTHS) to actually track him down.
• The first time he tracks Mr. ? down the new manager is given a load of bullshit that I like to call “THE VP NAME DROP HEAD FUCK”
o The sense of urgency of Mr. ? is perceived as very high
o Mr. ? drops some big name and something very important that needs to be done for him/her.
o Mr. ? vanishes again without a trace
• The next time Mr. ? is tracked down (could be a week or a month later) he tries the “THE VP NAME DROP HEAD FUCK” again, but since the new manager checked with the VP the last time Mr. ? pulled this and there was definitely no pressing issue (like the one being reported by Mr. ?) he moves on to stage 2
o He’ll use something that the manager mentioned to someone in the department and act like he’s following orders directly from the manager. (He is really good at listening and knows how to grab a few pieces of information, just enough to make him sound plausible.) He might say “I’m running to grab those papers at the attorney’s office that you told one of the skank sisters to compile and pick-up”
o While you wrap your head around whether or not he’s lying or whether you actually mentioned this to him he bolts out of the door. He always uses some reality with some weird urgency to get out the door while you think about whether you actually said it or not. (He needs that 30 seconds of confusion for this to work.)
o The new manager usually finds themselves completely confused while thinking about whether he was ever told to do what he says he’s doing. Meanwhile Mr. ? leaves. I like to call this scam “THANKS FOR THE CONFUSION”
He has a couple other tricks up his sleeve that he uses. This will go on for years until the manager either moves, quits or gets promoted. The joke around the office is that you “adopt” Mr. ?.
On the plus side he is good to have around if you need an errand run during work hours, go to the store or drop this off at the attorney’s office or go pick up some bagels. (Remind me to tell you a really funny story involving Mr. ? and his latest bagel run – Hilarious!)
I know what you’re thinking – Why not just fire his ass?
Mangers have tried and this is where some of that name dropping and errand running has probably served him well. People who have worked at The Company for a long time have become accustomed to having Mr. ? around. Some of the errands he runs for VP’s are real (I’d say 1/5 of the errands – but if he did something for a VP this week he’ll use it for a “THE VP NAME DROP HEAD FUCK” anytime he’s asked what he’s doing during the entire month.)
His back pocket name drop is, of course, The Gestapo. They’ve worked together for a while and The Gestapo loves having a gopher around to do whatever crap he needs done. (I’m not exactly sure if The Gestapo knows that Mr. ? is nothing more than an errand boy.)
It’s just unfair to the current manager that Mr. ?’s salary is in their budget yet the most productive thing he does for the department is get bagels and coffee.
It’s well known that nobody can fire Mr. ?, unless The Gestapo fires him. Every manager I’ve worked with, that “adopted” Mr. ? and after realizing that they can’t outright fire him, thinks they can turn The Gestapo against Mr. ?.
So far nobody has come close, but since Big-Ass is his new manager and she doesn’t seem to take too much shit from anyone, it will be really interesting to see if she can pull it off.
He’s already on her shit list… Stay Tuned.