October 2014 – www.officesleuth.com

Are You Done? Now Change!

JP, what a fucking character!

OK, I guess you can tell that I’m having one hell of day so far. Did you ever work for someone who you’ll swear just makes you change the way you do things to make your life a living hell?

If this rings a bell then you know JP.

We have a lot of monthly reports and analyses that we put together. After much fanfare and discussions between myself and JP and my team, we’ve gotten the monthly analysis down to a science. So this morning I’m sitting with JP reviewing the monthly processes and he gets that look. That fucking confused, stupid look on his face and I just know that my life is going to get a lot harder for absolutely no reason.

“What if we…”

That’s the way it always starts. We get a process perfected, we are able to get things done timely and accurately and then I get the fucking WHAT IF WE…

This happens at least every 5 or 6 months, it’s almost like JP sits up at night thinking, they’re way too efficient and they’re not working ridiculous amounts of overtime so how can I change everything they do from an automated process to be the most manual method that can possibly be done?

Here’s the thing, this has gone on for years. It’s always the same thing. He gets a fucking bug up his ass to shake things up but then next month we’ll take twice as long to get things done and he LOVES his data. So he’ll start to get (what I call) data withdrawal and after he sees how long his brilliant new methods actually take he makes us go back to the old method the following month.

(If I had to guess, The Gestapo demands information that JP doesn’t have yet so JP has to scramble and he doesn’t want to have to scramble the following month so he makes us go back to the original (perfected) procedures. (Until about 5 or 6 months later when he must get an idea and then he totally forgets what he went through with The Gestapo a half a year ago.)

After the big meeting I’m the one that has to spread the good word to the rest of my team. They know it will eventually happen but they still freak out when it does. (Imagine being able to put in a date and push one button to run a report but now, since you work for JP and that fucking bug crawled up his ass, he makes the process so antiquated that it would be like writing out a huge report by hand, in comparison)

JP is a data freak, he loves data so he asks us to provide ridiculous amounts of details (so much that he’ll never have enough time to go through it all even if he closed his office door, opened a cot and spend the entire week living at The Company.)

He’s like a hoarder, a data hoarder.

So I tell the group JP’s new plan.

“THAT FUCK!” screams Skank Sister # 2.

Now here’s the thing (and I’d never admit this to JP) but the Skank Sister # 2 works for me but her sister works for The Gestapo, so when she is really pissed it’s easy to convince her to mention things in the vicinity of The Gestapo (if not outright telling him.) Remember Skank Sister # 2 always rats on the lower man on the totem pole. (So she’d rat anyone in my department out to me, she’d rat me out to JP, and she’d definitely rat JP out to The Gestapo.)

So my plan was the next time JP got the data bug to casually “suggest” to Skanky # 2 to tell The Gestapo (you have to make her think it was her idea or she won’t do it, at least not willingly.) So by firing the group up and mentioning that I hoped The Gestapo doesn’t think it’s us causing the hold up next month, I think I planted the seed.

I hope she mentions it to him before next month’s reports are due. If The Gestapo reminds JP not to be late then JP will rescind the new details before we actually have to do them.

It’s not like I don’t want to do my job, but doing busywork just to make sure we’re busy isn’t productive, it’s a bullshit waste of time if you ask me.

The lesson learned: Data Hoarding is not cool.

Ethyl Hates

Let me know if you know this person.

The buxom, vixen Ethyl loves every guy that works at The Company, she loves every guy that works with every guy that works at The Company. When she tells of the adventures of the past weekend she tells the tales of leaving her husband home to watch the kids as she meets up with her cousin and her cousin’s firefighter husband (not to mention the rest of the firehouse).

I’m not judging. Hey, if her husband doesn’t care about a couple of firefighters carrying her drunk ass home from the nearby firefighter hangout then who I am to judge?

Actually, I love hearing these stories. For one thing Ethyl has a ridiculously high opinion of herself. Anywhere she goes, no matter who it is, any guy that talks to her (And I mean the slightest chit-chat) she thinks he’s love with her. Again, who am I to judge? (Actually, I think it’s hilarious that she admits half of the shit she does.)

But here’s the funny part. At work she swoons over every guy in the building. The geeks, the freaks, the senior managers and the janitors. AS LONG AS THEY ARE MEN!

Ethyl hates women!

Now, I don’t know if this is an insecurity-thing or a competition-thing, but every new women they hire at The Company she fucking hates! For absolutely no reason I can assure you.

This is why I thought the whole Big-Ass blowout was so funny. I knew it was just a matter of time before Ethyl (with a new FEMALE manager) would cause a huge issue and create tension leading to a UFC cage fight (or catfight) in that department. It just happened a lot faster than I anticipated.

It turns out that there is sometime wrong with any female in Ethyl’s eyes.

A funny story comes to mind. Singing Sally can sing (she actually can sing) but when she sings all day instead of doing work it gets really annoying. Come to think of it, I need to hook Singing Sally and Mr. ? up together, then they can do a whole lot of nothing… together!

Anyway, besides singing, Sally also spends about half the day talking to people. If you see her by the water cooler and ask her how her weekend was she will literally spend a half an hour explaining every detail from her weekend with you. She is very nice but you have to cut her off or you’ll be trapped all day listening to her bullshit.

So one morning she comes in, and I guess that the night before was her birthday, so her husband took her out and they had a romantic dinner and went for a romantic walk and had a great time. I got out after about 12 minutes of hearing about the night. (You literally have to make up an important meeting or something or else she’ll talk all day.)

Sally (being The Company’s social butterfly) is super happy about her birthday and probably spends the entire morning telling everyone about her great night. This included Ethyl.

So Ethyl walks into my office and slammed the door closed. (Believe me I’m not sure what I did to become the company shrink but everyone is compelled to tell me all of their shit.)

“That Fucking Bitch!”

“Which fucking bitch?” I ask (because Ethyl hates every female she meets, and I mean every one of them.)

“Sally is a fucking bitch… Can I just tell you…”

(Let me stop right here, when she asked “can I just tell you” she’s not really asking. No matter what you say she will tell you, but at least it’s usually some juicy gossip or an interesting story or some fucked up thought that, I can’t believe, actually goes through her mind)

“…I have been fighting with my husband all week and she has to come in and rub my nose in her ‘Great Birthday Night’” (read that very sarcastically).

“Did she know that you were fighting with your husband” I don’t know why even continue with this waste of time, but I love meaningless gossip. Especially the kind that you just can’t make up.

To make a long story short, Ethyl fucking hates Singing Sally because she probably asked Sally how her night was and Sally being Sally (she has a bad case of diarrhea of the mouth, you know) was happy to tell her (every fucking detail.) So by telling her about her “great” night last night while (unbeknownst to Sally) Ethyl has been fighting with her husband and now Sally is on Ethyl’s shit list. (But to be fair, every women that Ethyl knows is on that list.)

I don’t know girls, is this normal? Maybe I’m the one that needs my head examined.

I’ll say it again, you just can’t make this shit up!

Mr. ?, Bagels and Big-Ass

Ok, here is a story about Mr. ? that I just have to tell you. (I did promise, right?)

Since I am friendly with Big-Ass, I get the low-down on a lot of happenings in her department. For some strange reason wacky things seem to follow Big-Ass. I mean since she adopted a department for one week and then had a run in with Ethyl. I may have forgot to mention that after the major blow-out between those two The Company thought it would be best that Big-Ass take over that department on a more permanent basis.

With that came the perks and torments of Mr. ?.

On one hand, she had a gopher that was happy as a pig in shit to go out and run stupid errands for her (albeit, taking 3 hours to do a job that should have taken 20 minutes, but it gets done…. Eventually!)

On the other hand, she has to deal with Mr.? – useless employee that nobody knows what the hell he does, he complains about everything and will drop names and threaten to report back to The Gestapo if you “interfere” with his work (basically if you try to do your job and actually give him a job that is Mr.?’s definition of interfering.)

So it was a beautiful Tuesday morning and up until this point Big-Ass wanted to confront Mr.? but always backed off. Outside of him getting paid to disappear for the day he really hasn’t done anything that made Big-Ass blow her top. It all changed that Tuesday morning, Big-Ass couldn’t take it anymore.

Ok a little back pedaling, we were at lunch on Tuesday having some Thai food (a local joint we frequent at The Company) when Big-Ass looked down at the red chili paste on the table and said, “I’d like smash his fucking head open!”

It was so random, but I knew there was a good story to be had, so I asked WTF ?

She smiled and just said, “This reminded me of blood and how much I’d like to kick Mr.? in the face.”

“What did he do (or didn’t do) now?”

She got all flustered and goes, “What would you have done. Get this…”

And with that she proceeded to tell me the story. Now I’ve known Mr. ? for years, and he’s made some ballsy moves but this goes way beyond what I thought he was capable of doing. This has to be one of the ballsiest things he’s pulled.

A little background.

On Friday morning’s in Big-Ass’s new group they all chip in for bagels.

Naturally, Mr. ? is the one who volunteers to pick them up.

You’d think it was because he lives around the corner from the bagel store so he could leave his house five minutes early and pick them up on his way to work, but this is Mr.? we’re talking about.

He drives to work right on time and then jumps in a company car and travels 20 minutes back to the bagel store (you know, the one right by his house.) This alone would freak me out.

He comes back with the bagels fucking pissed off as all hell. When asked what his problem was he proceeded to tell the department the whole story.

As he was driving back to work he caught a “FLASH” in his rear-view mirror – maybe his manager can’t catch him but the Red Light Camera on the corner of Main St. sure as hell did.

For the rest of Friday it was business as usual (except they all knew he was pissed and got a red light ticket but other than that BAU (business as usual), Mr. ? disappeared most of the day and packed up twenty minutes before quitting time and left exactly on time. But I’m guessing that he was doing some thinking over the weekend and ending up writing his thoughts down.

Apparently, Monday was business as usual but right before he left for the day he ended up emailing the entire department the following letter (from his apparent epiphany over the weekend) .

(Big-Ass keeps a copy in her purse because no one would believe it otherwise.)

To the whole department,

During my trip to get bagels last Friday, I ended up getting a ticket for the red light camera on Main St.

Since my trip was for the benefit of the whole department I think it’s only fair that either I will not contribute for Friday bagels until the $75 is paid or we split the cost of the ticket between the entire department.

This is why Big-Ass wanted to see blood. She was fucking fuming, I thought it was fucking hilarious.

“Hey, Mr. ?, are you fucking kidding me???” She confronted him and he made it out to be a joke. Believe me, nobody in that group thought it was a joke, especially Mr. ?.

This will be the talk of The Company for a while.

You can’t make this shit up…

Hilarious.

Introducing Mr. ?

Mr. ? is a favorite talking point around the old water cooler.

He is a man who has, probably, the most seniority but nobody (and I mean NOBODY) has any idea what he does for a living?

People have spoken to his personal friends and family and they also ask “What the hell do he actually do?”

He basically arrives on-time, punches in and then takes a company car out. Then he returns somewhere around a half an hour before quitting time, takes a half hour to pack up his shit and then he proceeds to leave, exactly on-time.

The worse part of it is that his manager also has absolutely no idea what he does. You may think that is strange but the way management changes around The Company with people getting promoted, or making a lateral move to another department or people quitting or retiring. You never seem to have the same manager for more than a few years (3-5 years maximum in most cases.)

So, management is getting younger and younger and Mr. ?’s line of bullshit and name dropping is getting better and better so the rumor is that The Company lost track of exactly what Mr. ? does around 3 managers ago. The fourth manger before the current one had some vague idea about what he does and the fifth and beyond (Mr. ? has been around for MANY, MANY years.) has long moved on from The Company.

Mr. ? is a good bullshitter, I’ll give him that. Here’s what always happens.

A young kid in his mid-to-late twenties becomes manager promising to get to the bottom of exactly what Mr. ? does. He will be the one to lay out a job description and force Mr. ? to comply.

What actually happens when the new manager starts is (let me make a bulleted list for simplicity):

• Mr. ? disappears like 5 minutes after his start time so it will take the new manager weeks (or MONTHS) to actually track him down.

• The first time he tracks Mr. ? down the new manager is given a load of bullshit that I like to call “THE VP NAME DROP HEAD FUCK”

o The sense of urgency of Mr. ? is perceived as very high

o Mr. ? drops some big name and something very important that needs to be done for him/her.

o Mr. ? vanishes again without a trace

• The next time Mr. ? is tracked down (could be a week or a month later) he tries the “THE VP NAME DROP HEAD FUCK” again, but since the new manager checked with the VP the last time Mr. ? pulled this and there was definitely no pressing issue (like the one being reported by Mr. ?) he moves on to stage 2

o He’ll use something that the manager mentioned to someone in the department and act like he’s following orders directly from the manager. (He is really good at listening and knows how to grab a few pieces of information, just enough to make him sound plausible.) He might say “I’m running to grab those papers at the attorney’s office that you told one of the skank sisters to compile and pick-up”

o While you wrap your head around whether or not he’s lying or whether you actually mentioned this to him he bolts out of the door. He always uses some reality with some weird urgency to get out the door while you think about whether you actually said it or not. (He needs that 30 seconds of confusion for this to work.)

o The new manager usually finds themselves completely confused while thinking about whether he was ever told to do what he says he’s doing. Meanwhile Mr. ? leaves. I like to call this scam “THANKS FOR THE CONFUSION”

He has a couple other tricks up his sleeve that he uses. This will go on for years until the manager either moves, quits or gets promoted. The joke around the office is that you “adopt” Mr. ?.

On the plus side he is good to have around if you need an errand run during work hours, go to the store or drop this off at the attorney’s office or go pick up some bagels. (Remind me to tell you a really funny story involving Mr. ? and his latest bagel run – Hilarious!)

I know what you’re thinking – Why not just fire his ass?

Mangers have tried and this is where some of that name dropping and errand running has probably served him well. People who have worked at The Company for a long time have become accustomed to having Mr. ? around. Some of the errands he runs for VP’s are real (I’d say 1/5 of the errands – but if he did something for a VP this week he’ll use it for a “THE VP NAME DROP HEAD FUCK” anytime he’s asked what he’s doing during the entire month.)

His back pocket name drop is, of course, The Gestapo. They’ve worked together for a while and The Gestapo loves having a gopher around to do whatever crap he needs done. (I’m not exactly sure if The Gestapo knows that Mr. ? is nothing more than an errand boy.)

It’s just unfair to the current manager that Mr. ?’s salary is in their budget yet the most productive thing he does for the department is get bagels and coffee.

It’s well known that nobody can fire Mr. ?, unless The Gestapo fires him. Every manager I’ve worked with, that “adopted” Mr. ? and after realizing that they can’t outright fire him, thinks they can turn The Gestapo against Mr. ?.

So far nobody has come close, but since Big-Ass is his new manager and she doesn’t seem to take too much shit from anyone, it will be really interesting to see if she can pull it off.

He’s already on her shit list… Stay Tuned.

Big Ass vs. Ethyl – Round 2 – Big Ass’s Revenge

It was early on a Thursday morning, I like to get in around 7:30-7:45, even though our start time is 8:30.

I do this for a few reasons:

1. I hate rushing and there is a lot less traffic in the morning. Plus leaving my house an hour early gives me enough time just in case there is a big traffic jam somewhere.

2. I love sitting for about a half an hour reading (either a newspaper, a book or my iPad..) it doesn’t matter to me I really look forward to this quiet time in the morning.

3. I usually eat my breakfast at this time. Sometimes just a large cup-o-coffee, sometimes a big egg sandwich from the deli, and sometimes a piece of fruit.

The point is it doesn’t matter what I read or eat, the point is I cherish this time before having to really “start the day.”

I could eat and read at home but then I have traffic in the back of my mind. Once I sit at my desk I can truly relax, plus I know exactly how long I have before I need to start to work.

In case you haven’t figured it out, I love my quiet time in the morning before I start the day, I look forward to it as much as I look forward to quitting time. Usually when I get in at 7:30 it is really, really quiet and people usually don’t pile in en masse until like 8:25.

So I’m sure you can imagine was quite startled around five minutes to eight when I heard, as loud as hell, outside of my office.

“WHY DON’T YOU DO US ALL A FAVOR AND GET SOME SELF RESPECT AND PUT YOUR FUCKING TITS AWAY!” The voice was clearly Big Ass’s.

Now the person that she’s had a bit of beef with lately was, of course, Ethyl and Ethyl would definitely fit the “put your tits away” description. Since cleavage is, pretty much, a part of her wardrobe.

Now, on one hand I was pissed that I couldn’t read in peace but on the other hand I was intrigued. Very Intrigued.

This had to be better than the latest middle-east crisis or Ebola scare or who got caught cheating in Washington scandal.

This was a real live scandal, right at The Company!

And I had front row seats.

So I immediately, yet casually, step out of my office as if I needed to use the bathroom or get some more coffee but I couldn’t help noticing that Big Ass is going OFF on Ethyl.

I guess Big Ass slept on the fact that Ethyl took total advantage of her the other day and decided to start Global Thermonuclear War on her ass (and tits from the sound of it.)

It was a cat fight unlike any I’ve ever seen in an office building.

Big Ass went off on her cleavage (and her self-respect)

Ethyl fired back how nasty Big Ass’s Big Fat Ass was and she still proclaimed her innocence and was only being “singled out” because Big Ass was jealous of her “hot curves and booty”

Big Ass told her that she had documented proof she was MIA and then Big Ass goes (I can’t make this shit up)

“Jealous, of you? I can scrape a notched trowel across your face and patch a hole in my wall with all the caked-on make-up you wear.”

I literally thought to myself “Holy shit women are fucking cruel, guys would have just beat the crap out of each other and then go out and get a beer.”

With the wall patching comment, Ethyl started to cry. (Now whenever she is “called out” on the sneaky things she does she always ends up playing the victim to someone who will listen, while the crocodile tears come streaming down her face) But this time the verbal abuse (both ways) was pretty harsh so they may have been real tears. (With Ethyl you never can tell.)

Now what made this freaking HILARIOUS was the more that Ethyl cried (and the insults went back and forth for a few more minutes) the more the make-up smeared down her face.

She ended up looking like a scary, ugly fucking clown prostitute.

What made matters worse for Ethyl but made up for the fact that I lost out on reading this morning was Big Ass’s reaction.

Big Ass burst out laughing hysterically and goes “get your sorry ass in the bathroom and clean yourself up, you look like a pack of sharpies shit all over you face.”

With that, Big Ass made my day, maybe my whole year.

But DAMN…. Women can be Vicious!

Bucktooth McGillicutty – My Hero

Bucktooth McGillicutty is one of those funny types of people. Have you ever worked for a company where you have those people who make (or at least are supposed to enforce the “laws” of the company) but then they break them themselves the very next day?

At The Company we have one of those too…

Meet Bucktooth McGillicutty.

Bucktooth McGillicutty is a human resource extraordinaire, he spends most of his time bitching about his personal life and shit like that. Overall, he really is decent guy who really tries to help the employees of The Company.

But Bucky Mack has a few quirks that can drive you up a fucking wall.

First off, he bitches about his personal life constantly, mostly money problems. Yet, he smokes like a fucking chimney, at $8 or $10 a pack (or whatever the hell cigarettes cost these days) the last thing you should do if you have money problems is buy freaking cigarettes!

In a way I feel bad for Mack because he doesn’t make great money but this is probably the most he’s ever going to make. No formal education or anything like that. His prospects for finding another job are extremely limited. With the earning potential non-existent and his well-publicized money problems, Bucktooth McGillicutty is an easy target for people like JP, The Skank Sisters and especially The Gestapo. There are times I really feel for the guy because he is really between a rock and a hard-place quite often.

So being the target of upper management and their Skanky secretaries, he’s often called upon to do the tasks that will make him look like an asshole to pretty much everyone else in The Company (like “remind” people of a very unpopular rule brought down from The Gestapo.) The beauty of Bucktooth McGillicutty is that while he sends out emails and correspondence about these rules he, himself doesn’t seem to give a shit about the rules.

The latest rule that is enforced about once a year is the NO OPEN TOE SANDALS to work rule. Now this is actually a rule I can appreciate (I loved it when The Gestapo initially send out the email. To me there is almost nothing worse than seeing disgusting, decrepit, weirdly angled toes with long disgusting witch toe-nails sticking out of an open toe sandal.)

But the initial email was a few years ago and with new employees and people’s limited memories, every year it’s up to Bucktooth McGillicutty to reinforce the rule.

It’s always unpopular when he sends out the email, but what makes it even worse (at least for people who like crooked, exposed toes) is that the next day good ‘ol Bucktooth McGillicutty will walk the halls of The Company with FUCKING OPEN TOE SANDALS!!!! Which I find HILARIOUS but most people think it’s as bad as getting a freaking pay cut.

Now the greatest thing about Bucktooth McGillicutty is how he handles it when someone makes a comment about his exposed, old-ex-hippy tootsies poking out for the world to see…

He just looks up, smiles and says “Tomorrow don’t be such a pussy and wear the damn sandals” and walks away.

… Bucktooth McGillicutty – My Hero

The Wrath of Karma

Did you ever know a secretary who thinks she wields the same power as the executive she is a secretary for?

If you answered yes then you know Skank Sister #1.

I think part of her pushy aggressive tactics come from the idea that she works for an aggressive executive, we’ll call him The Gestapo, and because she works for this tyrant she feels entitled to behave like a tyrant.

The saddest thing about this behavior is that the average rank and file employees allow themselves to be victimized by her as if she was part of The Gestapo. Now I’m not saying it is right for The Gestapo to act this way, but I know I’m sure as hell not taking shit from a freaking secretary. Gestapo or no Gestapo.

I’m not the only one who feels this way. Personally, I don’t go out of my way to “avenge” my dignity when she tries to pull some shit and drop The Gestapo’s name into a conversation (not a conversation as much as she wants or needs something from you, but instead of just asking like normal person she tries to act like she is a boss… and she is not… this she will soon find out) but there are a lot of people here at The Company that take great pleasure in doing just that – making her look and feel stupid.

Willard, all of people, has absolutely no love for the Skank Sisters but Skank Sister #1 he’s particular hostile towards, especially when she tries to act like the company CEO and tries to tell him what to do.

Willard is our mailroom attendant, plus he’ll do miscellaneous administrative duties around the building. Those duties he will have to work with other administrative staff, like Skank Sister # 1. So there might be some times where she will have to give him direction on what needs to be done (But only on those administrative tasks.)

Let me just say this: NO ONE FUCKS WITH WILLARD’S MAILROOM. (Period.)

So, you might see where someone like Skank Sister # 1 might blur the lines and let the administrative task bleed into his mailroom responsibilities. She is the very definition of give her an inch and she’ll try to take a mile.

So this particular day, she pops into the mailroom and hands Willard a huge stack of mail that “HAS TO” get processed immediately because it’s “important mail” for, you guessed it, The Gestapo.

Now the other thing I need to mention about Willard is that he is very methodical, he has a routine and has to follow it. There are those in The Company for which he will break his routine, obviously, The Gestapo is one of those people. So when he grabbed to stack of mail from Skank Sister # 1 he happen to notice that this was all personal mail for the Skank Sister. By personal I don’t mean her Visa and Cable bills but the normal mail she processes only a weekly basis.

What probably happened was she was late completing her mail for the week and didn’t want to hear about being late from The Gestapo (because he doesn’t do late – unless he’s the one who is late) so she fabricated a story about the mail being a special “rush” job for The Gestapo.

Messing with the order he performs his mail duties creates a beast in Willard. So he goes “NO, this is your shit, I’ll do it when I can.”

So, she does exactly what any devious fucking Skank Sister would do, she went and told The Gestapo that Willard has basically made her late. (I could seriously picture her gloating as she devised that little plan.)

The Gestapo doesn’t do late and if someone is making his secretary late then that person must get scolded, immediately.

“Do (my Skank Secretary’s) mail immediately or you’re fucking fired!” – The Gestapo has spoken.

I think Willard expected that and that didn’t get him too upset but then about 20 minutes later good ‘ol Skank Sister # 1 came by smiling and said:

“Hey Toots, got my mail?”

Her goofy, gloating face really pissed Willard off. All he could think was those 3 little words – Payback’s a Bitch!

Now let me mention one thing about the Skank Sister’s desk, she works from her desk all the time, she eats at her desk all the time and reads a lot of magazines and books at her desk all the time (Nowhere to run when you’re on call for The Gestapo.)

Needless to say her desk is cluttered. (Not dirty but unorganized.)

So a few days later (maybe later on the following week) Skank # 1 comes over to Willard and in anxiously asks if he has seen a Fed Ex envelope for The Gestapo, he has a very serious legal issue (a personal matter – I tell you about another time.)

Willard did indeed have that envelope but he was still so freakin’ pissed that he goes (real sincerely): “No I’ll bring it right over once it arrives.”

With that she storms out of the mailroom.

She stopped by around lunch and asked again, in a real panic this time whether he received the envelope.

“No, told you I’ll bring it right over when I get it.”

OK, to make a long story short Willard gets a call from The Gestapo telling him to stop by his office.

“Willard, are you sure you haven’t seen a Fed Ex package today? (My Skanky Secretary confirmed that they delivered it and YOU signed for it” – pointing intensely at Willard then he nodded to his Skanky Secretary as if to confirm the confirmation.

Willard felt a surge of happiness when he looked directly at The Gestapo, “Of course I received it. I told your Skanky Secretary that I’d bring it over as soon as it arrived. I placed it right on her desk hours ago.”

With that the three of them went over to her desk and shuffled a few books and magazines around and there right under her lunch plate (which consisted of organic hummus and carrot sticks) was the Fed Ex envelope.

The Gestapo gave his Skanky Secretary a stare as if looks could kill because Willard knew that if there is one thing worse than being late, The Gestapo HATES clutter and messiness and Skank Sister # 1 would definitely hear about this. For a long time!

A little later Willard walked back by his favorite Skanky Secretary while she was in the mist of de-cluttering her work-space.

He walked by and smiled and said with a wink.

“Did you get your mail, Toots?”

JP, Master Storyteller (or Consummate Liar – You Choose)

Here’s another quality of JP’s that I find fucking irritating, and I’m almost positive that you’ve known someone like this at some point in your life.

I call it – JP, The Master Storyteller.

Get this – Every time anyone, and I mean anyone tells a story in front of JP, within five minutes he’s telling a story that completely outdoes anything you’ve just said.

Like a girl might be giddy and telling of exactly how romantic her, now, fiancé proposed to her over the weekend. She’ll have a gaggle of spinsters surrounding her in awe at this romantic chap and while she’s still glowing and in the spotlight – it’s fucking a regular laugh riot until – in walks JP.

And he always listens to the story that someone is telling and then he breaks into the conversation by saying … “That’s nothing” and then “You think that was…” (Fill in the adjective of your liking… good, bad…etc.) It was one of him favorite things to say… that’s nothing.

He’s pretty much the boss of everyone that pulls this shit so no one has ever told him to get the hell away or anything like that.

Within five minutes he is telling how he took his wife to Italy and proposed on a beach while eating fucking freshly caught Sardines right from a recently docked fishing boat where the captain and crew had a little grill cooking some of their catch.

Immediately, the attention has turned from this super-excited, newly engaged twenty five year old to this attention seeking fifty something who either is so narcissistic that he HAS to be in the spotlight or he can’t be happy unless he outdoes everyone else in the vicinity or he is a consummate liar.

I’m sure it’s one of those three but I haven’t been able to pinpoint which one.

The whole reason I bring this up is because up until today it bothered me but I didn’t really get the urge to physically strike him, it was more of an annoyance.

“That’s nothing, you think that car is fast, when I had my Porsche….”

“That’s nothing, you think you ate a lot, after a jog eight miles I eat…”

Now, like I said, this kind of crap doesn’t really bother me. I can easily let it go with nothing more than a slight irritation, maybe exasperation at times, but never do I get the feeling of rage.

Until today that is.

So a girl who works about 30 minutes from The Company didn’t show up this morning. She sits outside my office and her manager is in one of the offices next door. So when she didn’t come in I saw her manager ask her people right outside my office if anyone has heard from her.

Nobody has. Then the next thing the manager stops in my office to ask me what I think she should do and/or if I heard from her. (I don’t know why I would have heard from her since she doesn’t even report to me – but I said no and told her I’d help her out)

We start by looking in the company directory for her phone number while in my office when we hear a message over the loudspeaker. Over the loudspeaker comes a message to this other manager that she has a call on line 6.

She asked me if I mind if she uses my phone. “No problem”, I say and she calls into line 6.

Apparently, this missing girl had a bad car accident and basically totaled her car. She didn’t get badly hurt but she was shaken up and sitting on the curb while the cops sorted out the details. The manager basically asked if she was ok and if she was going to get checked out at the hospital, just to play it safe.

With that JP walked in and immediately had to know what was going on.

We told him about the accident and immediately he said “I need a report that she is working on, what time can she be here?”

We both looked at him with a face like “Really??” and the manager mentioned that she told her to just get checked out at the hospital.

“Put on speaker, put her on speaker…”

With that, JP sat his ass on my desk and basically took over the phone call. Telling her not to waste her time going to the hospital and all that kind of crap.

When she got around to asking how he would like her to get in because her car has been totaled…. I sensed it coming,

and I was right….

“That’s nothing, you spun around in the ice and smashed the side of your car into a cement divider on the highway, once when I had my Datsun I was run off the road in the snow by a couple of trucks. I skidded head first into a telephone pole, totaling my car.

They wanted me to go to the hospital but I said screw that I had a proposal that day and I was like the most dedicated employee at the firm.

Did I ever tell you about when I worked at that firm?”

I was fucking speechless, a girl that worked in The Company just was in a bad accident where her car was totaled and within five fucking minutes of him walking into the room he’s usurped the entire conversation.

Fuckin’ JP…

The Legend of Big Ass

Even though Big Ass is a good manager and will not take crap from anyone she is still fucking LOONEY!!!

Now, before you get on my ass, let me explain.

And before you ask, yes, Big Ass does have a great big ass. She has cankles and wears 2-3 inch heels that seem to buckle under the weight of her gigantic ass as she walks down the hall.

Ok so now you know why everyone at The Company calls her Big Ass, and she is a good manager (remind me to tell you the rest of the story of how Big Ass ended Ethyl’s lying spree) but she still has a few shades of crazy under her belt and it ain’t pretty.

First off, let me reiterate (in case you missed it) – The Bitch is CRAZY!!!!!!!

I have a personal “in” with the human resource manager (ok, twist my arm and I’ll give you all the juicy gossip really soon, but first – Big Ass.) Well, it’s common knowledge that Big Ass waddled down to the human resource office at least three times a week. She seems to get a bug up her Big Ass to get a certain member of The Company fired and will go to the human resource department to lodge a complain at least three times a week.

From very petty to outright unbelievable, the accusations that come out her mouth are, I find, hilarious. The only people who don’t get amused by her antics are the people she is accusing of whatever the hell she decides bothers her this particular day. (And this could be both males and females – remind to tell you what happened to Ethyl – Freakin’ Hilarious.)

Anyway, the episode that comes to mind that I must share with you is Big Ass’s run in with Stan the Man. Stan would indirectly make fun of Big Ass’s big ass by talking on the phone to other people or telling funny-ass jokes about funny “Big” Ass’s, so she would get wind of this or overhear these conversations and end up with her Big Ass in the human resource department everyday.

When Human Resources told her that they couldn’t fire someone for telling a joke revolving around a fat girl Big Ass got an idea…

Big Ass became a lesbian!

Now, I personally have nothing against lesbians, but Big Ass clearly wasn’t a lesbian, I went out to exactly two after work functions where Big Ass attended and she was hanging all over guys, maybe not exactly Brad Pitt caliber guys but – they were human beings with penises – I’ll leave it at that.

So now she has ammunition because Stan the Man told a mad funny lesbian joke and now she was a lesbian so she basically equated Stan’s joke to the human resource manager as a fucking hate crime.

THE INTERVENTION

So, from my office I watch Stan walk into the human resource manger’s office, then a few minutes later I watch Big Ass waddle into the HR office and I know – It’s on!!!!!!

Apparently they give Stan the Man a warning and Big Ass gets a much bigger office – go figure, but I guess The Company saw a lawsuit forming. So Stan and Big Ass were separated… or so we thought.

She then proceeded to call Stan into her office everyday to fix her newly lesbianized computer (Stan was a main player in IT) and apparently somehow Stan fixed her computer in some derogatory manner.

So back into HR Big Ass went.

Once I saw Big Ass waddle her fat ass down to HR for the third day in a row, I knew something with up – and that didn’t bode well for poor ol’ Stan the Man…..

Long story short Stan the Man is not employed by The Company anymore…

Fearing a lawsuit The Company buckled under the pressure of the newly converted member of the lesbian way of life…. Big Ass.

For that I can never really forgive her, trust her or look at her Big Ass the same way again.

But it’s still masterful how this newly minted lesbian handled Ethyl’s big cleavage.

Stay tuned…

My Work Speaks for Itself

Ethyl is a sly, crafty vixen who also does as little work as possible, but she is not as overtly inoperative as Singing Sally. Ethyl would have to be classified as outright deceptive, a master of “looking” busy.

Ethyl needs her fix of socializing throughout the day, she works in an administrative capacity, but like a butterfly, floats about the building and spends time with everyone.

She is an IT groupie, friends with the Crazy One (yes, a story for another day), accounting, sales, operations, you name it. She seems to spend time everywhere except where she is supposed to be.

Ok, a little back story on this little vixen. I used to go lunch with her occasionally, just to have someone to go to lunch with, but she is the type of person that starts out with friendly banter, then by the 4th or 5th time you go out to lunch together (and there could be a bunch of people out to lunch at the same time, as long as she is at least 4 or 5 lunches familiar with them you get the same result) she starts bitching about work, then by 10 or 12 lunches she starts bitching about her home life.

It’s at this point I had to cut her off, leave her to Accounting or the IT Crowd.

Besides bitching non-stop about her husband and kids, she also thought very highly of herself. She was a little plump (and it looks like she is getting plumper over time), she wears about pound and a half of makeup and will brag about anyone whoever said hello to her.

She stopped by office one time, on her rounds to socialize at least 5 times a day with every employee at The Company and told me she took her kick to a doctor and he asked her out on a date. The sad thing is that she was FUCKING glowing because a 65 year old, horny doctor asked her out. I don’t know if she went or not (personally I don’t care) but the mere fact that she spreads this type of news like wildfire really makes me shake my head. (This wasn’t an isolated incident – She would brag about someone commenting on her glasses or some drunk dude offering to buy her a drink – all the while the husband is home with kids – DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL IS MY MOTTO FOR ETHYL.)

Ok so what did this little diversion have to do with Ethyl’s work here at The Company?

Ok, it’s funny story that happened this afternoon. Ethyl boss was on vacation, so she made her rounds as usual but the interim boss this week (A women affectionately known as Big-Ass, more on this later) started tracking her movements. It turns out that she went MIA (Missing-in-Action) for about an hour and fifteen minutes in the morning, then before Big-Ass could talk to Ethyl about her whereabouts Ethyl went to lunch, so about 15 minutes into Ethyl’s lunch the Big-Ass went to lunch.

Big-Ass returned in an hour, exactly. Still no Ethyl, about 20 minutes later Ethyl Returns!!!

Ok so Big-Ass is compiling a chart of all of the non-work that Ethyl is not doing. She gets the documentation and then goes out to approach and speak with Ethyl.

Guess what, Ethyl is MIA… AGAIN!

After about 45-50 minutes of being MIA, Big-Ass finally tracks her down in the Accounting Department. I think Ethyl has realized that NERDS LIKE CLEAVAGE, so Ethyl knows a low cut blouse will keep the accounting group occupied all day long (She also figured out this works with IT, operations, sales and the manly looking lesbian with have working on the 2nd floor.)

So after about an hour Ethyl strolls back to her desk and starts to work (Which in her case is to look busy.)

So Big-Ass sends her an instant message (which subsequently was made public):

BIG ASS? 5:26 PM ?
Are you having accounting issues? 
You seem to be spending an inordinate amount of time in there today.

ETHYL? 5:38 PM ?
NO, I just walked back there cause I am running Test with … 
(Dreamy looking accountant - ok I made that last part up.) 
I've been at my desk and caught up on what is needed, 
not sure where this is coming from

BIG ASS? 5:42 PM ?
It's just people (including myself) have been looking for you.
This morning for about an hour (11-12) 
I asked around and no one knew where you were.
and now for the past 45 minutes you were MIA.
If you are caught up and need work I can get you things to work on. 
If you're having an issue with accounting and they are testing something 
I doubt you need to actually be in the accounting office the whole time.

Ethyl? 5:43 PM ?
There is no way i was MIA for an entire hour
not sure why I am being singled out here...My work speaks for itself

Ok, so here is facts that we have to go on. Apparently Ethyl is caught up with her work and is baffled by the idea that someone might question the fact that she is MIA for 2 ½ hours during the course of a day because she is caught up. (Personally if that rule applied and we could do whatever we wanted once we were caught up I would’ve went home or grabbed a drink rather than hang out with accounting, looking at stupid Facebook videos on my phone.)

Secondly, “Not sure why I am being singled out” – hmmm, could it be that you’re the only one MISSING IN ACTION for almost THREE HOURS???

Lastly, her “work speaks for itself” – what the hell does that mean?? I actually did the job you’re paying me to do so and no one else on Earth could possibly process work like I do. Totally full of herself – hilarious – you’d think she was a nuclear engineer that just created time travel.

I can’t wait to see what happens tomorrow, stay tuned…